My perspective (as someone who left an abusive husband) is that the antidote to unhealthy relationships is strengthening and honoring the Self. At one point after I ended my marriage, my psychologist suggested to me that if I'd had healthy self-esteem back when I first met him, I never would have stayed with him and married him. I don't mind telling you that at the time, I found that comment offensive....because I had low to zero self-esteem having grown up with an abusive father and a very unhealthy family.

However, as my therapy progressed I came to see how accurate the psychologist was. So what's my point? If we put the time and work in on ourselves (rather than placing all the energy on hypervigilance) it will become very clear and comfortable to us when a man is safe and healthy to partner with and when we need to say goodbye. I am not at all suggesting that this is easy or simple. But it can be done.

I used to be hypervigilant. I live with PTSD as a result of childhood abuse and spousal abuse, but over time I feel stronger and more trusting of myself. If a friend or anyone else is not treating me respectfully, I will draw a line and move on. I will not accept disrespect or blame myself. Yes, it is helpful for any survivor to learn the signs of an abusive partner. That certainly helped me and was shockingly eye-opening. Though I don't think it's helpful to focus on particular diagnoses and constant defense. At a certain point, we very much need to focus on our selves....what are our strengths and challenges....what are we drawn to etc.

When the focus is all on constant hypervigilance and trying to live in a world where dysfunctional people never enter our lives (not possible) I think it's harder to become stronger and learn to trust and rely on ourselves. For example, sometimes I think the anti-bullying programs in schools have the wrong idea. I think they'd be more successful in teaching children how to honor and respect themselves.....to develop self-esteem....there's no such thing as a bully-free school or world....we need to learn how to navigate it and how to love ourselves such that we don't crumple or blame ourselves any time we meet a dysfunctional person.

When I started dating again after my abusive ex-husband, (I waited a long time and spent a great deal of money out of pocket to know and understand myself better in therapy) I was terrified that I would choose another similar partner. I am now in a relationship with a good guy and I can honestly say that if someone tried to abuse me again, it simply wouldn't fly. So, from my perspective, the goal shouldn't be to somehow ensure that we never ever go an a date with someone dysfunctional (the problem often won't show right away anyway) but to learn what we value and what we don't.....what is okay to accept and what is not. Does that make any sense to others? Perhaps I am rambling...I feel a bit raggedy today from depression.

I suppose my main point is that when the focus of our thoughts and analysis is all on the abuser and his pathology or on the possible pathology of future partners, I think we are focusing on the wrong person. Take a high level of narcissism for example. If you really value and honor yourself, and you find yourself dating someone who doesn't consider or value your feelings....you won't stay, right? Hours and hours of research on NPD wouldn't actually lead you to that point though.