Hi @SilverTrees,

Thank you as well for putting up with me and taking so much time to help repair some of the brokenness in my life. And thanks for the compliment of my signature and profile! The profile name comes from a Led Zeppelin song indeed known as “Dazed and Confused”, with 254 always having a special meaning. D&C is what I was before finding PC! The quote’s one of my favs, my family and I are huge Disney fans and the quote even holds a more symbolic meaning when they asked for it to be included in my senior HS yearbook.

Don’t worry about the long replies and wealth of information. This is some of the most important and helpful encouragement that I’ve received, and since my therapist has been out of town moving her mother to our hometown I’ve had a block of a few weeks where she’s out of the office. In regards to how I’ve handled stress it’s a mixed bag. I’ve discovered an arsenal of coping techniques like taking bubble baths at the end of the day, and through the strategy of distraction. Let’s say I keep worrying about an upcoming exam or deadline. I don’t deny that it’s imminent but I still take time to replace heavy-handed thoughts and a fast pace with more light-hearted topics/tasks (cleaning house, puppy videos) before pushing myself any harder to figure things out on my own. But when it comes to the negative strategies, I tend to compare myself with others. I’ll compare how others may handle a problem better than me. I’ll compare myself to others who seem to have it better than me with dating. And then if I’m tired, worried, or out-of-whack I’ll often think or speak badly (of course not to their face), especially in a situation where my anxious mind encounters a perceived threat, whether it be annoyed about my dating situation or having a crisis at work. It’s often a strategy (albeit fruitless) to regain any perceived loss of power.

When it comes to the “all my fault” it’s been an ongoing thing for much of my life, but it’s gotten worse being a part of an abusive church. In a nutshell the theology was similar to an early episode of The Simpsons where the main minister of the show’s city Springfield, Rev Lovejoy makes a snide remark to the overly contrite neighbor of the titular characters, Ned Flanders: “Even going to the bathroom can be considered a sin”. My desire to conform to the crowd at what I originally believed to be a decent group to not get sucked into the typical party mentality (not to distract from education) ended up imposing an atmosphere of scrupulosity and lack of diversity. There have been a few people along who would help me address my struggles or worries arising from perceived flaws but more often than not I would get criticized or ignored. And it got to the point where I was walking on eggshells to avoid irritating someone or having problems with them. Further adding to my insecurities with women was the notion that men were aggressive and dangerous animals, so interactions between genders were very limited and regulated to a tee. I battle the potential thought of being an undeserving pig daily. Then when I went to California for a summer intern after my involvement with this group it was difficult to relate to anybody after wasting several years of my life for that church’s cause and my bosses and a few leaders of my intern group exploited my ever-worsening anxiety by constant criticism on my performance, even with small things like misunderstanding the intern’s regulations. And with both of those situations came so-called social leaders, the former with student leaders of that organization and the latter being the bosses and so-called extroverts/social climbers of my intern, who were the most vocal and seemed to set the standards and most authority in the group. So since that time in my life I’ve become more suspicious of other’s intentions, and afraid to even connect with people, even those close to me. When I've opened up to people I looked up to I got hurt. That’s where it all began and then some, the process of internalizing trauma, comparison and becoming increasingly cynical. But I whole-heartedly believe that I've found a channel here to share my feelings, hear others' out, and not be judged since my whirlwind began.

I’ve re-read your post over and over again, particularly the discussion of rejection vs disappointment, as it really hit home to me. Taking more common sense into account I really think I am more disappointed than anything else. With my 6 years of college, I’ve both matured and achieved self-discovery of my niche and passions. Everybody in my family/close friends group have noticed the positive effects of my education, commenting that I work well with people under the right circumstances and I’m genuinely enjoying and pursuing my fields of interest. On the contrary, what has defined my disappointment these past 6 years was the expectation to have more quality friends in college compared to high school, as was the case with my parents (went to same uni as me) but the complete opposite ended up being the case, particularly with the spiritual abuse that came with a deceiving group of “friends”. Even social groups outside the abusive one seemed superficial outside the usual group meetings. I also made the mistake of choosing quantity over quality out of desperation to make friends, further leaving me bitter about my uni years and the people within it. On the other hand when it comes to the opposite gender, I’ve not had any successful relationships so far, and the people who I came close to connecting with romantically “put me in the friend zone” or I was not at all attracted to them (physically or mentally). I’m forever embarrassed when I asked out that old crush 3 years ago only to find out she started dating that same BF she’s with now. She was the only one who I clicked with before she saw someone else and that chance is never going to come again. More recently, as mentioned, a couple of friends seemed to lose all common sense and any sense of a balance when they starting reaching the milestones of dating and marriage. Even when I’ve talked to people I know like my parents or close friends they come up short on helpful advice or say something like “it must be your weight, what you're saying etc.”, leaving me to believe the lie that love is based on shallow, generalized traits. And that’s without a doubt been my story since I’ve even been old enough to date, so that’s also how I’ve been eaten up by the predators known as social conditioning and feeling unlovable.

EDIT: The death of my Uncle Jack in 2008 was just about the hardest thing I had to pursue in life, especially for someone who was barely a teen at the time. In a pensive moment I also realize this tragedy still has haunted me, as I not only lost someone who I frequently saw and was close to, he was one of the last in my family to share his last name with future generations. Since then it seems now all the weight's on me to keep my family tree going. It's a terrible and selfish way for me to cope with that loss but that tragedy has resulted in both a loss and all the more pressure to date, hence my insecurities to follow.

It’s going to take a long time for me to come out of that rabbit hole. But I can say this thread, and your responses in particular, have been the upmost of helpfulness in speaking truth into the bogus I’ve become conditioned to believe. After the last few years of seemingly finding vague and unhelpful answers from society’s social conditioning and even my own support group, you, and everybody else here have without a doubt been the most helpful in tackling my fears head on. I really appreciate you and speaking truth and new perspectives over me, Silver Trees!