Lent is over but I extended my promise to not SH until Pentecost. It's still a ways away. Right after Lent was over, I was really like, what did I do? Why did I make this promise? It's all going to be too hard, too much. It's been a little easier the past couple of days. I've had some urges. My cat scratched me when I picked her up and away from the dog food (she's diabetic so I really have to watch what she eats). And that was triggering because I wanted to cut after that. And for some reason, on Sunday mornings--the last time I cut was on a Sunday morning--I get a lot of urges. But I've been sticking with it. Mostly out of stubbornness I guess. I don't want to fail. I want to keep going. I'm trying to think beyond Pentecost, which I know my T will ask me, what happens after Pentecost? I'm not sure yet. I know to continue my progress, I'll have to make another promise because that seems to be the only thing that really works.

I still have a ways to get to Pentecost, so I'm trying to not get ahead of myself. After all, I may fail before then, though I hope not. Maybe I shouldn't be framing it as success or failure. But I don't know what else to frame it as. Either I make it, or I don't. Either I succeed at my goal or I fail. I feel like I am at a cross-roads. Either to push forward and try to make this a really big life change, or continue with what I'm doing, promising for a while, then going back to it, then promising for a while, then going back to it. It's really hard to not SH at times. It's like I can't think of other things when it's really bad. It's the physical thing that has been with me my whole life other than my faith. I think I'm grieving SH a little bit today. HUGS To all, Kit