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Rose76
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Rose76 Treading water.
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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Default May 15, 2019 at 01:22 PM
 
Thanks, Threadbare, for reposting DechanD's post. I feel believe this is the first time I'm seeing it. Really. It's not a post I would forget, if I had ever red it. I must have missed a page on this thread. You've done me a great service by reposting this.

Dechan - you understand quite a lot. A real lot. One correction, though: I didn't meet this guy later in life. We met April 15, 1984. So there's all that history together . . . all that shared experience. Just 4 years after we met, we moved thousands of miles away. I never had kids. He's been pretty much it. Like you, I decided I have no interest in finding another guy, when this one is gone. I decided that over 10 years ago. At that time, I thought he had only a few years left. Then I would do lots of things like you mentioned. I'd take a course, swim, tend my little flower patch, look after my bird feeders, maybe get a dog. Friendship means much more to me now (if I had the time for it.) I'ld like to do things with others. I have a girlfriend who's good company and alone, like me. Right now, I meet her for lunch or dinner about every 6 months.

People give me advice: "Take a yoga class." "Go swim at the YMCA." "Just go for a walk." That's all great advice. I tell myself all the same things.

Dechan, you do understand a lot. It means something to me that someone can acknowledge my "plight." I know it is all of my own making. I know I'm not doing more for myself that I could do. I do feel like I'm just letting myself be "used up." . . . . like, when he's gone, I'll just be a shell, an empty husk of an aging woman. It does seem so unfair. I did the "respite" thing. I'ld go to the nursing home and find him dirty, sitting alone in his room, being tormented by the yelling of a patient across the hall, who yelled a l l t h e t i m e. He came home with what seemed like worsening dementia. It was just the stress of being in a facility. After 3 days at home, his mind was greatly improved.

He's got no money to pay me with. I handle his income and bills. I can do what I want with his money. He's what the federal government classifies as very low income. I do get to eat for free, which saves me a few hundred dollars a month. We eat very well.

I appreciate all you say . . . . . just that you recognize and understand. It means a lot. I'm not trying to have people feel sorry for me. Maybe, in a way, I am. I vegetate here like I'm shell-shocked. But it keeps seeming like he's just got a few months left. So I figure I'll stick it out. 12 years ago I thought he only had a couple of years left. Doctors tell me he should be on "hospice" and that I should stop bringing him to the ER. But I'm not going to neglect him to death (and I could.) I get him appropriate care whenever he has an infection, and he rallies. He wouldn't get these medical interventions without my advocacy. A doctor stated that. He'ld be given some ineffective oral antibiotics for an infection, which he would succumb to. That's how many of our elders die.

People like George H. W. Bush and Rose Kennedy didn't live such long lives in their wheelchairs, just because they've got the right genes. The genes help, but they were promptly treated for every ailment. Pres. Bush had pneumonia after pneumonia. If he were anyone else, he would have expired after the first couple of bouts of pneumonia. But his family adored him and they hired the right people to make sure he got treated promptly for everything. Most frail, old people don't get that. Even if they have loving families. For one thing, most people can't afford private nurses around the clock. And even those who can will tell you that "it's hard to find good help."

Maybe I sound like I wish he would die. At times, I do. At times, that is exactly what I wish. But, a few hours later, we'll be having a nice supper together and watching something we enjoy on TV, and chatting . . . . . and I feel like I want to hold on to him long as I can. I will never be this important to anyone again in my life. I will never matter this much again in my life. In his own screwball way, he does love me. I will never be loved so much again. I will never be special to anyone again to this degree. Sure - I can be the visiting aunt to family who put themselves out for a few days, while I visit. Yeah, I can volunteer my time to a worthy cause. I tell myself all that stuff too.

Yet, when I am alone, if I manage to outlast this guy of mine, I think I will be alright. I just hope I have a few healthy years left to spend doing things that interest me.

Thank you for understanding and for sharing your own experience, which is not so different.
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