Thank you, Mopey.

I'm awful low this evening. Just in the bedroom by myself, crying in frustration. I have been doing this total care of this man for so long. I was okay around lunch time. I was being nice to him. Then over a few hours I was alone in the bedroom, while the attendant was looking after him. I went downhill. I had some cheesecake and sherry, and I got down. Very down.

I have wide mood swings. One pdoc told me years ago that I was "bipolar." I am emotionally troubled all my life. I have very good intervals. But I am recurrently depressed. Feeling good doesn't last. Feeling bad doesn't last. I go back and forth and back and forth.

It's not like bailing out of this relationship could be counted on to fix a lot. I'ld still be so worried about him.

This morning we quarreled. I wasn't totally in the right. But he seems to have so little concern for me telling him I feel very distressed. He gets what he needs out of me - every thing that he needs. I get so little for what I give.

I am just making myself more upset and more blue.

When he's gone, I'll have to empty out his apartment and that will be a job. I can probably donate a lot, as a way of getting it carted off. Some nice furniture. Then I'll have to move my stuff that's here to my apartment that hasn't been really lived in for a few years. That place is kind of a mess. I did used to keep an orderly house. My involvement with him undermined that. In '94, I left him and was doing okay. I had my own place that I liked, that I kept nice. 5 years later I got all involved with him again. My life hasn't been orderly since. I can't blame him for all that either.

I know being down passes.