I'm still in my very down mood. By tomorrow, it will probably blow over. But today I'm down. Mainly I'm resentful of him. Years ago, when we lived together, he said we should get a dog . . . that he needed a dog for companionship. He'ld had heart trouble and believed he'ld never work again. We got the dog. Then his health improved and he decided to take a low paying job. The dog couldn't be left home alone. I had a good paying job, working 12 hr shifts that sometimes went longer. The dog was a problem. He told me to get rid of the dog. I couldn't do that. I turned down assignments to take care of the dog. I gave up good wages so he could go make peanuts. This went on till I was becoming a mess. Eventually, he got sick and was home. Soon as the dog died, I left him again to get the apt I have now. That was almost 12 years ago, and I realized I didn't care if I ever was in a "love" relationship again. But his health got seriously worse and we had stayed friends. I ran errands for him, laundry and groceries. Then "mission creep" set in, and now he is totally dependent on me. At times we would get along well. Often we didn't. But we made up easily. I'm retired. My skill set just happens to line up with exactly what he needs. We both live on small incomes. Sometimes I'm very happy being with him and glad our relationship endured. But today I feel frustrated and depressed. I'm not taking care of myself properly, down to even not brushing my teeth in two days. Even when we're getting along well, I don't catch up on what I need to attend to for myself. Even when I'm not depressed, I'm apathetic about making anything of what remains of my life.

I like to think, sometimes, that, when he's gone, I'll just have me to take care of and I'll create a nice little life for myself, for however long my own health holds out. Then I worry that this apathy will stick with me, and I'll just sleep a lot, go downhill and be found someday, passed away in my apartment.

So I'm staying in the bedroom away from him. Now he's calling, saying he wants to apologize. He's tired of sitting alone in the living room. By tomorrow I'll probably get tired if being mad, and I'll go back to our usual routine. That will last for awhile. The cycle just repeats and repeats. I guess that's why I'm apathetic. I don't see a way to disrupt the cycle that will help me.

The only way out of the cycle would be to end this caregiving attachment. I'ld have to find a facility for him, or have a social worker do that. Then close up his apartment. A lot of work in that, but I have to do it eventually in any case. Then my apt is a mess. We've been using it as a warehouse. I have to turn that place into a home again. A lot of work there. The paint's peeling in the bathroom. Where I live, the property keeps changing hands and has gone downhill. It's not like, in leaving here, I would have something nice to go towards. I've let everything become a mess.