Speck - I do spend time daily, thinking and visualizing. It would be wise for me to start going back into my own apartment and cleaning and straightening it. When I got my s/o qualified for full Medicaid, which funds the attendant, I thought I would be able to spend part of the week - even just 2 days and 1 night - in my own place. That turned out to be a fantasy. He can't be alone at night. Medicaid pays very little to attendants. (The skill level of these attendants is commensurate with that.) I'ld stock the fridge at my apartment and end up throwing the stuff out. He has gone from one medical crisis to the next. If he were really rich, he might appropriately hire licensed nurses around the clock. That's the level of attention he often needs. These type of attendants call out all the time. This is where having real wealth when you get old and sick is what it really takes to get truly great care (if you can find the right help) or being surrounded by a big, family of persons who love you to pieces and have lots of time they can devote to you.

All that being said, I have no good excuse for why I don't spend a few hours hear and there readying my own apartment for when I need to return to it. I do not claim that I am depressed because I can't do anything about my circumstances. I know it's the opposite: I don't put enough effort into bettering my circumstances because I am depressed. I have said I'm not looking for praise or pity. My life is exactly what I've made of it. I guess I do this thread to kind of think out loud. If someone endorses me when I say something that makes sense, that may help.

I'm very experienced in dealing with depression, since about age 8. I long ago figured out what it takes to make one's life better: You get up and do what needs doing, and things improve. OR - you vegetate passively and watch things get worse and worse. That's the secret of living life successfully in a nutshell. I know that.

Unaluna - I've put down here very conflicting feelings. I appreciate you noticing the things you noticed. It's not a simple situation. Like: he's disrespectful and abusive, and I ought to just walk away. It would be easy, if that was what all is going on. I have walked away. That's how I came to have my own place. I never married him. (I could have.) I kept one foot in and one foot out. He met a lot of my emotional needs. We have happy, shared memories. I found, and still find, contentment in our closeness. My feeling are very mixed.

Time will pass. Eventually, he'll succumb to the ravages of his multiple illnesses. I'll be free to do whatever I like. I have many, strong interests, so I should be able to pursue various of them and my life will go on. There are some folks who'll be glad to see me, when I have the time to renew old attachments.

Today I coped poorly with being depressed. Tomorrow I may do better. Eventually I will do better. That's how it always goes.

Anyone whose time can be better employed than looking at this thread should do exactly that.