Hello,

I could use help, lots of help. I am addicted to transference, you could say :-(. I've had many experiences of paternal transference with a romantic twist, some of which ended in destructive sexual relationships.

I should say I am not in therapy. My experiences are not with therapists, but with my professor (at the time I was still studying) and thereafter a doctor. And now with another doctor. So technically I'm not even sure if I can post this here. However, I have a deeply rooted problem with transference. I have read on this forum for years since there is no other site where I find persons that understand what I experience when I have these feelings of transference. This site has been an eye opener to me. As I never understood what was happening to me all those years, until I found this website. But understanding the problem, still doesn't help me to tackle it.

It started when I was perhaps in my early teens: I searched for father figures. It must have been a combination of maternal/paternal transference that I had and always with (much) older males. I would have dreams of my teachers taking care of me, putting me into bed, making a meal for me, cherishing me. And there was an erotic twist to those dreams also. But the main focus was the care taking aspect. It wasn't until many years later, when I found this website, that I understood I experienced severe transference as a result of issues in my past. By that time my life had taken some drastic turns already as a result of these transference issues - that no doctor or therapist really seems to understand, isn't it.
I noticed for example that when I felt emotionally abused and abandoned by family, I would instantly run to my current 'subject of transference' and try to find safety with him. To make matters worse the subjects of my transference where without exception males that were highly narcissistic. And two even had psychopathic tendencies. (I don't say this without a proper motivation; one of these persons has been prosecuted and convicted, the others accused by more persons). I feel I'm trying to set right a history of emotional abuse, picking a much older male with a strong narcissistic personality, trying to get him to love me and take care of me. I am repeating situations wherein I felt abandoned and abused in my past, to now get an abusive person to love me. It sounds as insane as it is. And it is a big recipe for disaster. My transference is often so destructive, I have to reason to fear this is something one day I won't survive.

I ended up with a chronic disease, and I feel it is the result of the severe chronic stress I experienced for many years because of this tendency.
A very brief summary: in university I ended up in a destructive romantic and sexual relationship with my professor for years. It tear me apart, it tore me down, I experienced excruciating feelings of transference that I did not understand. It ended in an enormous disaster.
I ended up with a chronic disease. I received treatment from a doctor. I clinged to him, still traumatized after what happened with my professor. The doctor started a sexual relationship with me. It was more destructive than the relationship with my professor, since this time I was dealing with a chronic disease, I felt incredibly dependent on my doctor, I felt traumatized by my relationship with the professor, and my self-confidence had taken a big hit. It was so destructive, I can not express. He threatened me around the clock since he was afraid to loose his license he said. I was very suicidal. It was a complete mess. He threatened me with different means. Ultimately I tried to file complaints but the threats worsened and the prosecutors initially seemed to believe the doctor that declared me crazy. By the time I gave them physical evidence and they finally believed me, I still felt they treated me like I was crazy, and I pulled back feeling completely traumatized. His staff and other persons around him believed him when he said I was crazy and making this up, since of course with my transference that had been sky high I had sent him lots of emails in my panic. I surely felt crazy during these relationships that were excruciatingly painful. It took me years to deal with the consequences and trauma's of this relationship that are still very much present. Among it he changed records, to make me come across as the crazy patient making this up, etcetera.

My chronic disease worsened significantly during this time. I found a fantastic doctor to treat me. The very best in his field, patients travel from all over the world to see him. He has published extensively, uses treatment options no one else use, he is the most respected doctor in his field.
When I first saw him I was surprised by his constant hugging. But it were friendly hugs, side hugs, kisses on the cheek. He did this mostly with staff present, just his personality apparently. So I got more used to it, but of course, with my history of transference: it drew me to him.
He was receptive to that and started to say things such as how "near I was for him". The drama started at those moments, since I started to see him as a father figure and to clinge more to him. This man has an incredibly narcissistic personality, described by other patients online. Indeed sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or to cry about his comments that seem awkward at best. At a time he for one silly reason or another thought I had asked the opinion of another doctor, he started to ignore me. I mean: ignore me for 3 months while I had to schedule with him. It was a drama for me with the paternal transference I experienced. I cried weeks, months in a row, in panic trying to reach him. As I am abroad, I can do nothing but email him, or call his staff that will tell me to email him. After months of massive panic when I finally managed to break through, he let his staff sent me a short email how "I had abandoned him!!!!". Okay.... :-/
From that moment on things got from bad to worse, since I was so afraid to loose him after this incident that I clinged to him. He had a tendency to again ignore me for months, and then toss in another comment how he never meant to loose me, and draw me in again, and then the ignoring started again. When I would see him for treatment he was full of hugs, and pulling me close, and saying how I would always be his patient again, and my emotions were a roller coaster guided by both deep hurt and paternal transference.
I started to use a bit of make-up (normally I use none) and dress up a bit more when I saw him. He would start to make comments, saying how "very attractive" I was. Instead of his normal side hugs, he now in absence of his staff, started to give me quick full body hugs.
Transference intensified, and our relationship worsened. He started to ignore me completely if I tried to schedule, I started to email him like a maniac as a result, which resulted in him pulling back further. In the first 1,5 years his motivation was that he said I had seen another doctor. (Indeed, after his constant ignoring I had been so out of my wit's that I had consulted with another doctor). After years of this, he now said my frequent emailing was the culprit. (And my emailing was the result of this constant fear he abandoned me after his 1,5 years of ignoring, trying to get the confirmation he had not abandoned me). Then I would manage to get in, he would hug me, tell me how he would always want to help me and how attractive I was, and I was completely mesmerized again, to be ignored months again when I tried to schedule. It became a destructive pattern.

Ultimately after another (to me excruciating) 1,5 month of ignoring I called his staff. They tried to connect me to him, but he refused to speak to me. He ordered his staff to tell me I had 'offended him', and he never wanted to speak to me again. Apparently he accused me of making a comment on the internet. Indeed I had asked for help online by this time, since I was convinced he had abandoned me and I did not know how to find a doctor with the same experience and using similar treatment options. Mind you, I had not even mentioned the name of my treating doctor. But still he had found out, and was so angry that he abandoned me permanently now.

I became completely suicidal, my paternal transference was at an all time high. Not to mention: there is no better doctor in this field and I can not loose him as my doctor. I don't say this without ground, this is really the case. No doctor has experience in the treatment options he uses.
Ultimately I just traveled to him from abroad without appointment in complete panic. He had also not told me how any other doctor could take over my care, and I was completely broken.
When he saw me he came walking to me with a smile again. I was as broken as I could be. I grabbed his hands and begged him not to do this to me. He summoned his colleague to leave the room so we were alone. I teared up and asked him not to abandon me with the disease problems I had. I was in so much panic I hugged him around his neck (as he had done in the past with me). However, I now held on to him tight, truly afraid to loose him. He promised me he would not abandon me.

He walked out of the room to talk to a patient, summoning me to wait. He came walking back in later, closing the door behind him. I reminded him of his promise, that he would not abandon me with my disease problems and no proper treatment options. He said again now, that he was not sure if I could stay his patient. I teared up and hugged him again. He held me for a while with my face pressed against his chest. He confirmed again I would stay his patient.
It ended in him saying how "very very attractive I was". He stroked my lower leg and kept repeating I was 'so so attractive'. Then out of nowhere he kissed me on my lips. It went so quickly and we were so close hugging already, that it seemed almost natural. There seemed nothing abusive about it to me at the time. It didn't seem any different from a normal handshake for one reason or another. He acted so fast and as if nothing happened. He then said I was 'so so so attractive, he was afraid to touch me'. He kept staring at me. We hugged again, and he did the same thing two times: a quick, nonchalant kiss on my lips. He then said he would have his receptionist call me to see if he could still be my doctor after the frequent emailing. But he thought I could. He was just not sure. The entire 'consult' full of hugs and physical contact lasted 40 minutes.
He left me startled. I felt at an all time high, my transference was at an all time high, I felt deeply attracted to him in mostly a paternal way. But then I left, and started to fear his abandonment again. And the fact I can not reach or contact him, since I know that if I email him I will certainly loose him as my doctor. And I don't even know if I will see him again. I feel abhorrent now.

I can honestly not loose this man as my doctor. I don't say this because of my transference. I say this as there is truly not a better doctor. If you ask other doctors whom they refer their family members to, it is him. He has published extensively and is a genius.

I don't think he is a 'patient abuser'. He seemed a bit overtaken by the situation also. I can honestly say I have never seen him as distracted as during our meeting with all the physical contact. He seemed truly surprised that I hugged him and seemed to be drawn to him (in what he apparently thought were romantic ways). But this constant threat of his abandonment kills me. Not to mention the fact I feel 'in love' now. Which is ridiculous since this man clearly is not in love with me, and just felt attracted to me when it suited him.

I am not sure what to do. But I am afraid I won't survive it if he abandons me. The suggestion to file a complaint against him, is useless to me. I've been through the complaint process with my previous doctor that had a sexual relationship with me. I only filed complaints since he threatened me or I would not have done so. This complaint process was so so traumatizing I would never do that again. I pulled back halfway through.
Plus with this doctor: with all my emailing I will quickly be declared crazy, and no one would believe me. Not to mention: I don't want to hurt him. So in that sense filing a complaint is also not even on my mind.
Also: should I not by now start to realize I am the one to blame? A relationship with my professor (that turned out to have done that before), with one doctor (that turned out to have done that repeatedly), and now this awkward thing with my newer doctor. This is telling about me. I am doing this with my transference.

The thing is, I need help. But I don't know what or where. I don't have a lot of trust in psychotherapy, seeing how many patients here with transference don't seem to be helped by that. Unless I would find a therapist with lots and lots of experience with a patience that has very deep-rooted transference issues. I'm afraid these transference issues will be my death. I know this sounds insane, but it tends to end in such destructive relationships that I end up wanting to end my life. With on top of it a chronic disease that erases my self-confidence the entire sequence is utterly destructive. (Not to mention the severe anxiety my transference issues cause me, is worsening my disease outcome). How can I stop this?
What can I do?
Can someone please help me?
Thank you, and sorry for this enormously long story.