Thank you, but I can really not loose him as my doctor. I have a rare chronic (physical) systemic disease with involvement of different organs. My physical health is heavily impacted by this disease, my future is on the line, and it has been very difficult to find a good doctor. There are very few specialists that have such experience with this disease. This doctor is known as the best doctor in the world in his specific field. Doctors come fly in from all over the world to train with him, patients fly in from all over the world. It has felt incredibly stressful that I risked loosing him as my doctor, and it was one of the reasons his constant threat of abandonment caused me such anxiety and that I tried to reach him in panic to stop that from happening.
That, and the paternal transference of course.
Add to that that I am in chronic physical pain. I have lost most of my life as I knew it: my apartment, my friends, my normal work life, anything that makes me happy. My family doesn't understand the anxiety my disease brings up. And the brief moments of affection this doctor has given me over the past 2 years I have been his patient, have been my only moments of happiness. The thought of that was the only thing I still woke up for and tried to get through the day for. I know that sounds as pathetic as it is, but alas, it is as is :-(. He was like a father figure to me, even with all the abandonment. Since the moments he saw me, he would hug me and say how special I was to him,, how attractive I was, etc.
For years when I cried myself to sleep I dreamed that he held me (not in an erotic way). So that I was not alone with all the fear and anxiety of what had happened with the other doctor, and with the disease I have. And now he held me all throughout that consult and kissed me 3 times on my lips. I can not loose him. Then I have nothing anymore that makes it worth for me to live.
I have not emailed him since our consult earlier this week. I feel anxious and have been on the verge of sending him an email to ask him to please do as he promised me when he held me in his arms, and not abandon me. But I'm afraid it will backfire and that he will be angry that I emailed and will be more inclined to abandon me. So I don't email. He said his secretary will call me next week to let me know if he can still treat me. I'm afraid for that phone call.
If his secretary tells me next week he does not want me in his practice anymore, I will crash. When it happened this week that she said he dismissed me from his practice
I was crying for days and did not eat for days. My disease was flaring up a lot. I can not loose him.
I am afraid all the physical contact, his comments, and his kisses in our last consult this week, will make him more afraid to keep me as his patient. I am very afraid he is currently making up a plan to dismiss me from his practice because of it. Since I became too much of a liability after that last consult. I would honestly be completely, completely broken if that happens. I can't loose him. He has a clean track record after having been in practice for almost 40 years. He really can't use such a situation ruining his reputation, so perhaps he will try to dismiss me out of fear for the liability issues I bring up?
I have told no one about our physical contact as I have no one to talk to. But I'm feeling completely at a loss. I hugged him since I was afraid to loose him as my doctor, and as a result my paternal transference was at an all time high. He quickly translated that into some kind of sexual attraction we both experienced. But I don't think I feel attracted to him sexually. Although if on the other hand physical contact is the only thing that keeps him from dismissing him, I would not hesitate. I just don't know what can keep him from dismissing me. Had I not hugged him and had we not had such a consult with all the physical contact, he would have abandoned me this week already. But now I'm unsure if the physical contact will actually be another reason to abandon me. I'm a mess and don't know what to think anymore :-/.