Quote:
Originally Posted by precaryous
Rachelle,
It does sound like a difficult situation. I can relate to having attachment issues with people who are not good for me.
Your doctor trains others in his methods and expertise, you say. So there *are* other doctors out there familiar with his modalities and able to treat you, right?
I can understand these other doctors may not be easy to see, but they are there, somewhere.
So would it be correct to say the main reason you don’t want to find a different doctor is your attachment/transference issues with him?
You say he gives you a bit of happiness but he also keeps you in a loop of abandonment/acceptance. A person who genuinely cared about you would *not* be treating you this way. He does not really love you- or even care for you- in my opinion. He may be trying to keep you just happy enough so you don’t report him. Meanwhile, he’s building a case trying to prove your instability. You want him to help heal your disease but this emotional quandary keeps you in a near-constant state of anxiety. Even now, you fear he may terminate you over the intimacies that occurred the last time or two you saw him?
I’m not sure I would let any health professional absolutely determine how my life turns out this way. You are feeling out of control. Perhaps you need to take back the control and terminate him?
I would be interested to learn if his medical license has been sanctioned for misconduct with any other patient. Usually, when doctors exploit patients in the ways you are being exploited, they have more than one victim.. There are probably other victims. Some may not have come forward yet.
In my case, I was the second of seven women to come forward. None of us realized the others existed until one of the seven found the courage to report him.
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Precaryous, you have no idea how much I appreciate your response. I fell in such a depression. I am sorry you also have attachment issues with people that are not good for you.
After being in such an enmeshed relationship with as base paternal transference twice now., the only way out of the excruciating pain is leaving and never looking back. Stopping all contact. Erasing everything related to him, etc. I do realize that.
This time however, the situation is really different. This doctor does indeed train other doctors. But whereas other doctors have used his treatment perhaps on a few patients, this doctor has used it on thousands of patients. He invented this particular treatment. Going to another doctor to get this treatment would make it a very experimental treatment, whereas my current doctor has published a lot about this, invented the treatments he uses. I would really not dare to undergo this treatment with someone else.
I don't say this because of my attachment issues. I say this because this is a known fact, my doctor is worldwide appraised for this treatment. It is also the reason I have hit myself on the head and been extremely upset with myself that I have managed to end up in this situation with my current doctor. Since I really can not loose him as my doctor.
Believe me, I wish I could walk out of this. Since I know nothing good can come out of these attachment/transference issues and these relationship are very damaging. I know also the only way to stop it is to walk out of this. And I really wish I could do that. It would hurt for a while, but it would be better than enduring this painful situation.
However the only option I see now, is that I control my transference somehow 100% and try to somehow get back to a normal doctor-patient relationship again. I really don't know how, but I must.
Today (the stupid idiot I am) I sent him an email to ask him please to at least let me know if he abandoned me or not, explaining how important his treatment is for my disease progress and how I realize I can not find a more capable doctor. I deliberately said nothing about the physical contact and kisses since I feared he may take it as blaming him, or feel annoyed if I mentioned, or see me as a liability.
I know he checks his email constantly. Of course, I was ignored. I felt sick from hurt and pain, and felt/feel like I want to end everything. After he basically held me 40 minutes in his arms during our consult and kissed me 3 times on my lips, and stupid me for 3 days thought of him, the realization he could care less if I exist or not has felt soul wrenching. The thought he held me in his arms and kissed me and now may abandon me as his patient without a word feels so hurtful, I can not explain. I want to write him why he does this after holding and kissing me, but I know I must
not do this!!
I need to somehow stop those feelings of transference I have for him. And as you say, I should realize he just does not care about me. I'm going to try to never email him anymore and hope and pray he'll take me back as his patient.