He is older, yes, he is quite close to his 70's. Your comment if he has dementia gave me a good laugh Precaryous . If he would hear that he would be immensely angry. I can just imagine his face now . No, he has certainly no dementia. He is very intelligent and keen and has a good memory for his age, I must say.

I don't think he will initiate more kisses. He will hug me, yes. I know since in the past I twice emailed him to ask him not to hug me anymore. In the session that followed he gave me several full body hugs, so it didn't impress him I guess . I don't think he will kiss me again if I don't initiate a hug myself. This last encounter I was in so much despair he wanted to abandon me that I held his hands and hugged him around his neck out of despair. I think that made him think I felt attracted to him and initiate the kisses, and I don't believe he would repeat that if I would not hug him myself. It is just this darn transference makes me dream about his hugs and kisses, and that is what I need to stop somehow instantly.

"What if he does terminate you? You would need to seek the help of another doctor about your chronic health condition anyway.

Are you willing to let him have this much power over you?
How much is he hurting you vs. how much is he helping you?

Is he helping you with the issues that brought you to treatment? He’s certainly given you more issues and problems to deal with."

If he terminates me, I will be completely devastated and likely become s**cidal again. But I'm going to not email anymore and hope and pray he doesn't do that. He has had this much power over me during the years I was his patient already, since he has kept this abandonment hanging above me as the Sword of Damocles for years. Ever since he first thought I had consulted with other doctors, which he said was an offence to him. So I know he has all the power in this relationship. I just hope that somehow we can get in a normal modality again where I can call his secretary and just schedule my appointments, without further having to email him. His secretary in the past wouldn't let me schedule, as he told her not to schedule me. (Because as said, the first 1,5 years he said I offended him suggesting I had seen another doctor. And then when I started emailing him in panic after he ignored me for months each time, later he changed that to the argument that i had emailed too often).
Yes, when he is treating me he is helping me with my disease. He is exceptionally good in his work. I wish he was not, since then I would have left. But he is truly a very gifted doctor when it comes to his treatment results at least, as many patients know.
Precaryous, I thank you again for having read my long posts, and having responded to them. You must have been the first person that has listened to me and that understands the pain this causes. That means a lot to me, thank you.

Indeed I need mental help. I emailed a psychologist in my country that had published about attachment issues. Indeed she is a female psychologist, as I prefer. (Albeit admittedly I had a male psychiatrist in the past and I had no transference issues with him at all. Since I usually don't feel transference with males that are kind and understanding). She has not responded as of yet, but perhaps she will respond after the weekend. In the past though, when I searched help for this, and openly told the therapist I was searching for help with intense transference issues I experienced with males in authoritarian positions, they instantly told me they could not help me. It seemed a bit to me as if they did not want to work with someone with such problems.