Hi... thanks for posting in the LGBTQ+ forum! I'm not the member you're looking for here on PC. But I can relate to what you wrote. You mentioned you're 54. I'm 70! And I've had a life-long struggle with gender dysphoria. (It's a long story.) And that has never gone way either. (As I have heard it said... if you're trans... you're trans for life. It never goes away.)

I've lived an outwardly more-or-less normal male life. (For most of my life I didn't know I had any choice.) And I guess I thought that, at some point, my gender identity struggle would fade away. But, to a large extent, it never has. And in fact there was a period of time, not all that many years ago, when it actually got worse... which led to 2 suicide attempts.

I've tried seeing a few therapists. But there's so much I simply could never talk about that it was like the proverbial tip of the iceberg. I was active on YouTube a few years ago when there was sort-of a small community of trans YouTubers who were uploading videos documenting their transitions. But, otherwise, I've never had anyone I could talk to about any of this. And I still don't. So I know something of what it's like to be stuck with feelings you can't do anything with. And at this point I'm too old, & it's too late, to do anything about it anyway. It all just is what it is... or was what it was perhaps.

Anyway... that's my struggle. And I thought I would share it with you since it sounds to me as though it was similar. I hope you find the friends & support you're looking for here on PC.