Yesterday during therapy I felt a new & weird feeling coming to the fore. 2 of my alters thought it was a new personality, and I was so freaked out & upset that I started crying and I haven’t really stopped since. I don’t ever want to reject my alters, no matter what they do or say - I feel like we can always work things out. But the thought of a new alter was just so overwhelming for me - it might not even be a new one, anyway. The real reason I felt so bad is that I felt ashamed at how broken I was, and that I’ll never be ‘cured’ or at least be a regular human (not that I’ve ever felt that way my entire life).
So now I feel doubly ashamed because I’m supposed to be fair to my inside people, but reacted so badly to the possibility of a new one. And I’m ashamed that I was hurt so much in the past that I fractured into a zillion pieces. I thought I was dealing with things better, but one obstacle and it all fell apart.
I feel like a terrible host; even when some of the alters tried to help me yesterday, I found it physically painful to let them talk and reassure me. It’s a tendency of mine to push positive things away when I’m very down. There’s an awful pain in my head and a feeling of panic when someone tries to be nice at these times.

I’m not asking for anyone to solve this for me - I just really needed to get it out of my head. But thanks for reading anyway.