Thank you so much Mickey for your kind gentle words and support.

But yes, i am a bad selfish monster.

Apart that, Yes, getting closer to people IS VERY scary for me.

Im sure P is a gentle soul. I can feel it. Problem is i already told him i would have given him some explanation for my long sick leave. All the while, we've been in touch through texts (best communication way for me), ive been very vague about why i wasnt at work. I think maybe i could tell him i have issues with depression... that would explain everything and truthfully without revealing too much about whats really going on... i guess thats my plan for now about how to answer to that question, but it may also be he wont ask and then i HOPE, we'll be able to talk spontaneously and it will all come up by itself easily. Thats my hope at least.

BUT
Im torn. I want the sui euphoria, not the "first meeting" excitement/fear. I want to be done with thoughts and feelings. Im SO tired. I dont know if i can find the courage to hope even.kust a little bit again...