Hello everyone,

Posted a while ago about my mind believing intrusive thoughts are real. Well it has become so much much worse since. Literally cannot trust my mind to believe what I am seeing. Starting to believe my own mental pictures as reality leading to obsessive checking. So mentally tired, exhausted and strained at the moment. Starting to fear EVERYTHING even being in the house.

I've always had intrusive thoughts and been bothered by them. To the extent where I had to do a ritual to make things better. I've tried to overcome these thoughts and having periods when I would banish them from my mind. I was getting better but it would always come back.

I would say a few years ago I started having intrusive thoughts about 'what if I had done that' scenario. Especially around nights out when I would wake up thinking 'oh what if I had killed someone, raped someone, had sex etc'. I would see these as crazy thoughts but I would become obsessional about them and it would start physical symptoms of anxiety.

Then a couple of weeks ago, just a day or so before I was due to go away on holiday I went for a walk around my local park. I became convinced that I had killed someone at one point in my walk, of course I had not, but the thought became utterly obsessional. To the point when I was almost sick and nearly collapsed in shower the following morning.. I was unable to relax all holiday in Spain. At one point in the holiday we made a mistake on the holiday where we didn't eat before going to a quiz, we were going to eat after, and my mum got a bit intoxicated! I became convinced the next day that my mum had been body swapped with a copy and she wasn't my mum anymore.

Then since I've come back the OCD and paranoia have become worse and worse. I am anxious to leave the house and when I do I am overwhelmed by mental images of me doing horrible things and have to force my mind to stop believing them. Several times on holiday I thought of throwing myself off the hotel balcony or hanging myself. Just really struggling to live anymore.

Anyone got any ideas of what I could do to stop this mental torture and bullying?