I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. You know... there are articles, in PC's archives, on coping with obsessive thoughts, intrusive thoughts, ruminations, stuck thoughts, etc. I'll link you to a couple of them below. However it strikes me, as a lay-person who doesn't really know much about this, that there comes a point where one simply can't deal with what's going on oneself. And, under those circumstances, it's time to turn to the professionals for help. Perhaps that's the point you're at now? Here are links to those articles:

Coping with Obsessive Thoughts

5 Ways to Free Yourself From Dark and Obsessive Thoughts

7 Ways to Stop Obsessing

My best wishes to you...