I know we are supposed to live our lives the way we would have if we were never abused, but that isn't possible. I'm going to have to let the abuse win a little bit because it did permanently change who I am. Any time I try to ignore that reality tends to result in disaster. I've been trying all my life to make it big, to get something to take off, to get known for something, or to make a large contribution to human knowledge. I've been trying to write the perfect song, think of the perfect contraption, to be the best at something.

I am not here to discourage people from going after their dreams or to "not miss their shot" as Dr. John's email signature says. but for me, I do have to put my hand down more. I have to step back and not go after things for a change. I don't want to keep trying to be successful. Trauma has ruined my brain, and there's a lot I can never get back. Time, brain cells, health .. those things are not retrievable from the quicksands of time. I've done all right. I want that to be enough.

May I have permission to be average? To step back from working hard sometimes, to prioritize my happiness and comfort? Do I have permission to stop pulling on those god damned bootstraps for a little bit, and can I just sort of sit this one out? I've made it pretty far given the path of destruction in my wake. I've tried my best and put in the hours and done the work. Can I have a break now and just accept as far as I've come, even for just a few years, and not feel bad for sitting those few years out and potentially missing a bunch of opportunities? And most importantly, am I still allowed to be sad that I missed out on all of this stuff, and can I be sad that I'll never be what I want to be without someone telling me to "do something about it if you're not satisfied" ?

I do a lot. Just let me breathe.