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Old 07-22-2019, 06:19 AM  
schmety
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Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Dovje
Posts: 4
Default lack of determination

Hi there !
I'm new to this forum.
I was searching on net, where can i share my story, emotions, thoughts.
Do you have similar experiences, suggestions, what would you do ...

I'm in late 40's, single, living in a house with my brother and occasionally lives my mother here to, cause we have another house-vineyard at different location and she lives mostly there.
Father pasted away few years ago, lung cancer.
So, in this house, we were living from my birth. Also my grandparents did, but long time ago.
I also have a brother, which he was living in another place before.
Now, me and my brother inherit this house and we are living together.
I'm upstairs and he downstairs.
He also have a girlfriend and two dogs.
They live together now in our house.
I don't have anything against them, but ....
First, i have a job, i'm working in casino, almost 23 years now, yeah, i know,
already too long. I'm working a lot with negative people and energy. I'm very emotional, so i absorb that energy a lot. Again, why i'm still there ?
Well, it's close to my house, so i don't bother with traffic and so on.
And the years go by so quickly.
I'm working in three shifts. Sometimes mornings, afternoons , at nights and so on... mixed.
I have very shallow sleep. I need silence, that's the most important.
Where is the problem ?
Dogs.
It's so irritating. They are also living in house with my brother. I never wanted a dog, i like nature and animals a lot, but not in my house and there are two ! I know, they are not guilty to be dogs, but makes my life much different than before.
I came from night shift, if i'm lucky, maybe they'll not bark, maybe they will, but i hear them very quickly and so, here goes my sleep. That's last year and a half now. I didn't buy in my life earplugs, now i did, didn't helped a lot. I didn't go to my doctor for sleeping pills in my life, now i did, didn't helped, but i don't take them anymore, cause i don't want to eat that.
But i'm polite, don't say anything. What can i say ? They will not remove dogs from the house. They are their pets.

I'm thinking to quit my job, go to live in another place, maybe at my mother's house, but it's different location, i need to find different job, i need money every month to pay bills.

My thoughts are like hurricane. One day i'm thinking it's ok, but i know it's not, next time i'm irritated and angry about everything.
Also at job, years of working with people and not ideal environment makes me angry, unhappy too. My coworkers are mainly fine, more people which i'm working with.

I even get sick in year 2011, i had lymphoma, i'm fine now, probably cause of that much of stress, i was in bad relationship, stress at work and everything, probably makes me sick, can't say, even doctors can't say, why you have specified illness, but i felt why. Or is really genetics, hm.

And still , i didn't change anything, still going to the same job.
Why is so hard to change everything ?
I'm single, i don't have partnership worries, i can go whenever i want.
On other side, i like nature which which surrounds me.
I go to nature a lot, walking, running, fresh air, i need balance, between stress at work, at home.
I like area where i live. But that's just when i'm outside. Back at home, no.
What makes me unhappy is that i have such a BIG lack of determination.
Fear to do anything better for me. To stand by myself. No. I'm weak.

Like in relationships before, i knew it's bad relationship for me, but no, i was staying another yeas in bad relationship before happened the end.
I was really choosing bad partners so far or maybe i'm that bad in relationships and that's not for me.

Then i thought , yeah, i want to be some time single, i'm really more happy and calm, nah, like i ordered troubles, now i have them.

Some troubles are just in our heads, ofcourse, we can do something about it.
I have hobbies, music producing, photography ... but i'm not calm anymore, so, now it's ironic, it's opposite, i like to go to work , even if i'm not happy there, but thoughts are there, not at home.

Life is so strange, we want to be simple, but it's not.
What should i do ? Should i completely change environment ?
I like to be alone with myself, i was always like that. I like silence.
To have quite place and do whatever i want.
And the years go by ....
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