Hi,

I have been through childhood emotional neglect. I have Avoidant-personality disorder as a result. I have several anxiety and personality diagnosis. (in my sig)

My father is a malignant narcissist. However he has extremely sadistic traits, so much so I have wondered for a long time if he is actually on the psychopathic side of the spectrum...
I think malignant narcissist seems to fit the bill but,, i don't really know.
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My mother went through abuse herself and just like me I think she went through CEN and has AVPD.

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The result of this is I don't trust anyone, not even my best friend. I'm terrified of expressing any true emotion as in the past it was either ignored or preyed upon.

How on earth do I begin trusting anyone? . My mum never connected authentically with me so I internalised that as me being undesirable unlikable e.t.c - She is always pretending, none of my interactions with her have ever been authentic - she wears a mask, so to speak.... like i used to.
My Dad, psychologically tortured me for two decades.

I view everyone coldly now and with scrutiny. I wonder what their real intentions are. I feel everyone is wearing a mask. Hiding their true intentions, like they are arachnids with human faces. (I am not delusional or experiencing psychosis, I just lost my faith in humanity and I find it easier viewing people as DNA, following their own instincts for survival, feeding off others and playing out their own narrative at the cost of everyone else) un-human seems a safer way to view people. I used to romanticise the human race... people.. This believing peoples smiles and wanting to think everyone was good inside allowed others to take full advantage of me.
So I have taken to viewing people as animals, dangerous calculating creatures who under the persona they display to you have hidden motives they are really trying to achieve or fulfil.
I'm aware I have flipped from one extreme to the other, now I am viewing people in a negative light instead of a rose-tinted one.... and I know there is a whole array of different types of people and some of them are what I would call 'good people' but I've lost my ability to trust anyone and I don't know how to change that.

I had the rug pulled out from under me majorly when I realised that I did not know my parents. That they only ever gave me a persona, not a personalty. I was lied to my whole life.
I fulfilled a purpose that was it. I was narcissistic supply for my dad, and i don't know how i feel about my mum.... i am angry at her i know that much... sometimes i feel like she doesn't really care about me, that her 'care' is more about her proving to herself and others that she is a good mum / good person. I've never actually felt that she cares about the real 'me'.... just some idealised fictional version of myself that she maintains in her mind.
I know this can't be completely true, she does have nurturing and interpersonal feelings of love towards me, however she doesn't seem very capable of expressing it and I am way past being able to receive it. I'm broken inside I can't feel others compassion, it just makes me feel sad when people try to care for me or display affection.
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So I have CEN, however I believe I am very traumatised by my father. I may even have PTSD, though I have not been diagnosed with it.

It's not just that I feel in-adequate ... it's that I don't trust people. I have been hurt and let down by all but one person in my life. My best friend.
I don't know if I can ever let my guard down. As soon as I do people start toying with me and trying to get in my head.

I have been surrounded by toxic family and friends my whole life - I know if I found a different crowd then I could start to consider letting my guard down.
However - I am so very hurt, I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust another person again.
I feel like in a way I'm better off alone. Then I won't put myself at risk of being let down so drastically again. As in; I won't start investing myself in someone emotionally just to find out they never cared about me in the first place and it was all either a game - or them fulfilling their own 'narrative' - E.G: being a 'caring' understanding person and taking on the charitable case of interacting with me. Feeling good about themselves otherwise or whatever it is they wanted from interacting with me.
I don't think anyone ever wants to get to know me purely for that reason. There always seems to be strings attached.

Writing this, I don't like how I'm sounding. However while I do have some disdain for people in general in the way they relentlessly pursue their own agendas at the expense of others - it's mainly that I no longer trust people.
I feel I'm sounding like a narcissist myself.... which is something I've always worried about. It's one of the reasons I isolate myself. As if I do find a genuine kind soul who gives me the time of day because they want to - not because they feel obliged to or merely want to extract or elicit something from me.
Then I think I may hurt them psychologically. Despite what psychiatrists have told me - I think I may have NPD. Be it covert.
So I avoid the people that are as far as I can tell authentically kind to me... as I don't want them getting close to me, or attached to me emotionally as I will only hurt them. So I remain alone.... it sucks, but I don't know what else to do.
I'm not sure I have any options.