A bit of a vent post, so please-- keep that in mind.

I figured this would be the best place to post. I myself am not struggling with smoking/nicotine addiction, but my boyfriend is. When we met, he smoked regularly. I get migraines from the smoke, so he decided to stop smoking and turn to vaping. However, if anything- his impulses increased. He was vaping every waking minute except when he was eating and sleeping. In the house. In the car. When we'd be out. I noticed I started getting sinus infections (I am really sensitive to air pollutants) and I was sick almost all the time. And I hadn't gotten sick since I'd relocated to Texas (to get away from the air quality issues out West).

So, I finally asked him to go outside. He threw a fit. Told me I was controlling his life. And it was winter so he said I was freezing him out. But, I had to make a choice- and I just can't stand being sick. He started chewing gum. And I stopped being sick. It was honestly so freeing. But the gum became an obsession. He goes through a box every day or two. He is constantly chewing gum. Sometimes even when he's asleep, he packs it in his cheek. His lips are yellow. I have trouble even kissing him anymore because its just strings of yellow crud on his lips. A few months in, the gum wasn't enough anymore and he started vaping in the house and I just said "No. I'm sorry, but I am not getting sick again. I am not telling you what you can't do, but I am telling you what I am going to allow around me and I can't handle being sick again." He flipped out. Said he was moving out. And I cried but what could I do? I just- I can't sacrifice my health. He came back hours later and said he'd quit nicotine for good, he didn't want to lose me, and this was controlling his life.

Not long after this, I noticed he started taking REALLY long showers. He'd go to the bathroom several times a day and be in there a really long time. Sometimes I'd hear voices. He'd come to bed and his breath would smell weird and I'd say "Were you eating in there?" and he'd tell me I was being ridiculous. He told me I was crazy. Told me I was imagining things. That he wasn't being any different. That he just likes long showers. But, I just felt in my gut something was happening. I thought for a minute he was cheating on me. He'd always find excuses to leave the house. Bizarre excuses like "I have to go get gas". But that was it. Just going to get gas. These trips always took him away from the house. And, my last clue- he was always low on $$. We have separate finances apart from our joined house bills. I earn more than him- because he just can't hold down a FT job. I buy our groceries. I pay for dinners and dates. I paid for a summer trip. And I don't lord that over him. I just do it because I care about him. Because he contributes to the house in other ways.. But I just couldn't figure out why he was always low on $$. I have to spot him cash all the time. But, he had made that sacrifice for me (which he reminded me of often "I have changed my LIFE for you. I stopped for YOU. YOU are why I am mad") so I just felt obligated to pitch in. I even bought him new clothes when his started wearing out. I know- looking back now, I just...yeah.

Finally, I was doing laundry and came across an old coil in his pocket and then I knew. He was vaping again. When I confronted him, at first he said "I have no idea what that is". Then, when he realized that I knew what it is, he said "That's not mine". And I just stood there looking at him, because- what? And finally, he admitted it had been going on for months. That he was afraid of me. And couldn't tell me. He told me he just couldn't quit. That he tried but that he is his own person, I am controlling his life, and his whole family said I'm ridiculous to tell him to stop. It's "just nicotine". Which- sure. I get. It IS. But its not the nicotine itself bothering me. Its the fact he lies about it. Hides it. And then gas-lights me and calls me crazy. I haven't yet mentioned that he has an auto-immune disorder where one of the top triggers is nicotine. So he is chronically sick as well. And then, because of that- gets grumpy. So its just a double-edged sword.

When I found out he'd been lying to me, hiding, and vaping in the house (and I don't think I need to mention, but I have had chronic sinus infections lately and he convinced me it was because I'm allergic to the tree in our yard), I told him we need to figure something out. Because he is telling me one thing, then doing the opposite. He runs out of $ and I'd fill his tank, I'd spot him cash, I'd help him out. And to know I was only doing that to fund his habit- it frustrated me. We started seeing a counselor. He swore up and down to myself and to her that he would quit. It was hard. It was his stress relief and so he felt he needed it.

I get it y'all. I do. We all have our coping strategies. We all have our vices. But his he hides from me and is bitter that I don't just openly accept. I'm sorry. I really am trying. Two days ago he told me he went and bought a new mod (he destroyed his last one to demonstrate his commitment to quitting); unbeknownst to me. He has no $$, again. And, finally I said -OKAY. Okay. Vape. Vape your heart out. Not in this house. Not around me. Don't ask me for $$. And realize that you are actively making your health condition worse- and it hurts me to see you hurt yourself. And he said okay. Then Saturday- he said he had to take a drive and was gone 2 hours. And yesterday, he kept 'forgetting things in his car'. And IDK- I know I said I was okay with this, but...I'm still angry about the lies. About the hiding. And I need help in how to unwrap my mind from this.

I'm sorry to write this novel, but I feel at the end of my rope. I'm not trying to control his life. I'm just controlling mine. He volunteers quitting every time. I don't ever demand it. But, within a few weeks, he's started up again. Spending every spare dollar on it. He told me today he was going to pawn some things because he needed extra cash. I know what its for. I just don't get it. This level of addiction scares me. If he doesn't have nicotine, he is shaking. Freaking out. We once had to leave a restaurant in the MIDDLE of our date because he realized he left his mod at home and he just couldn't handle not having it. This is an incredible level of dependence. But no one else sees it. He just tells them "She won't let me live my life. I just wanna vape. I just wanna smoke." to his family. He just says I want to control him. But I hate seeing him so controlled by this nicotine. I hate how its destroying him financially. I hate how its hurting his body. And I hate how it has made me sick too.

What can I do? What can I say? Can I even do or say anything? I feel bad- I don't want him to pawn his things. He honestly has barely anything to pawn. So these would be his last possessions, aside from his car, which barely runs because he can't fix it. He's spending every spare dollar on nicotine products. I don't know how. I see how much they cost. So who even knows whats happening.

I'm so lost, y'all. COOKIES if you read this. Please be kind. I know I am coming off snarky. I know I seem like a prude. But its the addiction that bothers me. He could be addicted to...coffee. Jelly beans. Whatever. Its how he behaves that is both terrifying and frustrating for me. Its how he sees me as the enemy. Am I? I love this man. But I hate that the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up, the last thing he thinks about when he goes to sleep, and the only thing he can consider spending his extra time, money, and focus on is a substance.