Thought I was accepting it, but despair has surfaced again.

Here is what I wrote to my soon to be ex. Sadness within (warning).

What was so certain has become uncertain. The vows you made to me broken for eternity and the deceit is suffocating. How could you give up on us? How could you give up on our family? The tragedy of this dilemma is seeping into my soul once again and I wish to be numb. I want to be numb to the pain you are causing. I can only see your detached self that seems to be in disgust to the destiny of our union. How can you be so numb? How can you be so mean? I feel so cheated…I feel sorry for my family. I feel sorry for the collapse of our family. Why must it be this way? Why did you give up? That is the one answer I desire…I guess it will never be answered. So many riddles in life and yet this is one that vexes me. I am so terribly vexed and hurt that you have hurt the union. I want to return to being numb, I want to feel nothing. I only feel despair now and pain.

Tell me what is the secret to your indifference? How can you watch me play with our daughter and not feel remorse for what is to come for her life? So many questions and there will never be answers. I am powerless to change the destiny of our union and thought we were meant to be. You used to call me your soulmate, such savage lies. Love is a mystery and how can you abandon us? My god is this difficult right now and I am feeling empty inside. I need to reflect and remember your treatment.

How could you neglect me, when I asked for intimacy? How could you treat me like a distant friend? Wasn’t I supposed to be the one to share your life? I am broken. How could you ignore me? How could you unlove me? Are these traits true identifiers of who you are? How could you turn in a flip of a coin into my enemy? You oppose me with such force and vigor…it suffocates me. You act as if I don’t exist in your world and treat me like a ghost. Do you not see what I tried to do for you? Do you not see I tried to help you? You inspired me to be the best man that I could be…Yet, now you treat me like I mean nothing. Absolutely NOTHING! I am a wasteland in your eyes and it crushes me to know how you could do this so mercilessly. I am suffering now…Please transport my heart to where your heart is at, I want to be indifferent to what is happening. I want to not care about what impact this will have on the children. I want to be indifferent to you. I can’t even look in your eyes, because I see emptiness. There used to be light in there, but now it is a void of nothingness.

How could you do this to me so mercilessly? I lifted you when you were left stranded and tried to help you when I could. You let me in your life and told me so many lies…how could you give up on us? Please give me the tips on how to be where you are at. Please, I don’t want to suffer anymore.