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Originally Posted by sarahsweets
I am going to address this from a place of addiction. I am a recovering alcoholic and a smoker. Addiction to a substance is a terrible thing. There are people who can use and abuse substances and yes, they are addicted but do not have that ADDICT personality. It sounds like he does. Lying and hiding goes along with this. The consequences of my drinking were obvious and caused pain for my family. The consequences of smoking seem far away so its easier to justify. He lies because of shame, and hides because he fears disappointing you. It makes sense because he is, right? And for so long because of that he got used to hiding things and lying so that now, even though you told him to just vape he is in the habit of being dishonest about it. He sounds like a true addict even though its not drugs or alcohol, its the same thing. My mom smoked for years and then one day she stopped and had no issues. I have stopped and started a thousand times. My fear of relapsing on alcohol is what makes it hard to quit smoking. An excuse Id like to get over. When you first got together was he a smoker or vaper? If so he may look at it as you knew what you signed up for and resent being asked to change. Maybe couples counseling could help. I think as far as addressing it with him it would be a good idea to gather your thoughts and take a deep breath and calmly tell him that yes, he can vape-outside. But no, he can not lie about it or hide it. Tell him that lying about it is the crux of the issue. Decide what consequences there might be if he lies about it. Tell him that you want him to not feel he has to be dishonest about it. He is a grown man who is choosing to do this, so he should be grown enough to just do it without the lying. Can you live with him and stay with him if he chooses to vape or smoke? You may never change him and you really need to assess whether you can live long term with his decision.
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Thank you. And yes my fears surround his addictive personality and how it manipulates his daily living. When we met, on date #1 I told him that cigarette smoke makes me get migraines so I really can’t date anyone who smokes. His clothes reeked of smoke but he told me his room mate smoked. And why would he lie? We dated for a few months before I realized the gum he couldn’t stop chewing was nicotine gum. Then he started vaping around me and I was kinda confused. But me, trying to be open minded and understanding, just let it ride. We were only dating. He didn’t do it around me, just outside. But that became an obsession. He couldn’t stop. It was in my car. In the house. In the bedroom. Clouds of vape. And that’s when I started getting sick. And that’s when he told me- months after we’d been dating “Oh well I used to smoke two packs a day when I met you but I didn’t want to tell you in case you broke up with me”.
So- it was sort of a foundation of lies this has been built on. He’s the same way with his Kratom. First it was one scoop once a day. Then one scoop twice a day. Then two scoops twice a day. Then three scoops three times a day and I finally had to point out I was worried about that too because- had his pain levels increased so exponentially or was he just craving the release from it?
It scares me. Especially because his newly increased vaping and nicotine use (which is constant- he always has nicotine in his system) has caused him to get sicker in just a week. He’s coughing. He’s always achey. He doesn’t feel good. And he is trying to say it’s just a fluke but- how can I believe that?
It worries me. Because he has a history of drug use and I’m terrified what happens if this isn’t enough and he starts using again. And how can we have a future if he can’t take care of himself? If we had kids one day and then he’s still sick and can’t play with them. He’s younger than me even but he already can’t get up in the morning without paIn pills. It just worries me. Because I’ve been with an addict. And I don’t want to live that life again.