I sort of understand... and not. OP asks if anyone is in a similar situation. I used to say when my untreated lupus is starting to kill me, I'd let it happen, IF they didn't come up with treatment I was OK with (Not steroids!!!). Some days I've even said I'd let it happen even if they offered something else. I felt like my life was more manageable if I had a more or less known ending point.

Now I have actually survived the age where I was supposed to die. It makes me confused, but also I realize we don't really know anything about the future.

I had a few good years, I'd be generous and count to a decade. I'm quite happy I got to live those years. Now, even without true depression, I don't feel OK anymore. I mean sure depression is part, but it is more complex than that. Some of the crap I lived lately I've actually also been grateful about, because I feel my span of emotion being unstable, has widened.

But it is tiring and being mentally and physically ill isn't a game. Especially without much of support. My friends give very limited support since they don't really understand other people's pain. I love my friends for other things, they are not bad people. Mental health care where I live has nothing to offer in terms of support. I mean nothing. Prescription refills. (Which I'm glad I get because some don't even get that.)

Rational me says my life will just continue to get worse. Hopeful me says I will learn something in the process and that some days will be good.

Nevertheless I feel cheated off my death. It was a partner I don't seem to have anymore. It's new and a bit saddening.

Anyway I'm not into reprogramming myself into a happy-happy person. I have realized that everything I use for my own survival and to feel better, is something I take and use, nothing someone will try to give. It's all my choice.

It takes being brave to continue living like this. Knowing it will never really get better. But no one is rewarded for this bravery, we're just told it's not enough and we should cheer up and read inspirational quotes and puke rainbows.