Today was not a good appt. I knew what I wanted to talk about, but when I got there, I lose all my determination. I made some small talk, which was not common cause Kumy hates small talk. Then, the dreaded question "what do you want to talk about?" and, of course, I froze and told T "I don't know". Brilliant, I know. And after his "well, you can tell me about how you felt this week", which was actually what I wanted to talk about, I ended up talking about other things, important ones, yeah, but not the ones that I wanted to talk about.
Anyway, we talked and I admitted how difficult it is for me to confort other people or to hug them or to be around people who is vocal about their feelings. I asked T specifically how to confort somebody and he shoot the question back at me. I told him that running away was the best option, but that it didn't serve that purpose. I told him that telling her to calm down didn't work. I told him that hugging probably would help in that context. He told me "see, you're not so lost. You know what to do". Well, yeah, I never said I didn't know, I just said that it was difficult and that hugging is really uncorfortable for me.
Somehow, we ended up talking about my feelings and the reasons why I choose not to disclose them. We talked about vulnerability. I told T that I prefer not to show my feelings cause I don't want to take the risk of being hurt. T asked me if I have been hurt before. He was not amused by my "we all have been hurt". From there on, it all went downhill. I actually told him that my father hurt me and that it was not on purpose. But I couldn't talk anymore. I hate this. I don't know how you all open up to Ts. I wish I were as confident and brave as you.