Okay, so before I decide that posting about this stuff was dumb and that there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just being whiny, I figured I would talk about some issues of mine, but first I'll post a bit of medical background info on myself.
- I take Zoloft (100mg dose, recently changed last week from 50mg)
- I have Tourette's Syndrome (Diagnosed age 5)
- I have ADHD (diagnosed age 6 or 7)
- I have OCD (Diagnosed same age as ADHD)
- I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety) (Diagnosed age 16)
- I'm 18
- I was recently hospitalized last November due to micro-psychotic bouts (also when they put me on Zoloft)
So I've always been moody since I was a kid, but I've recently become more worried about my mood swings and such. I often change moods many times throughout the day, and generally very fast. (I.e. I'll be completely happy with my family members and all of a sudden I won't want to talk to them and get very irritated) I also tend to get randomly angry for no reason whatsoever, and will become very "acidic" and hateful towards anything from how my sister grabbed the milk, to the color of the walls in the living room. Often these mood swings happen due to paranoid thoughts that I have. For instance my Dad was asking me a bunch of questions about my Uni classes and giving me study advice and all of a sudden I was convinced that he thought I was skipping classes, and that he thought I was too stupid for university and that I was a failure. (looking back I know how absurd these sound)I ended up getting snappy with him and stopped talking to him, I also tend to find myself in escalated arguments that start with a missing sock and end with me referring to my stepmom as a c***(this actually happened over the summer, I know I just sound like bratty kid but I genuinely just get really angry over dumb stuff). My opinion of both sides of my family drastically change 9 times out of 10 I despise my biological mother for past things, and then all of a sudden I'll be like omg I love you clearly I was just being stupid, you're great. In friendships I go between loving them to feeling like the odd one out or that they all just want to talk about me behind my back or that they like each other more than me, I've become good at keeping this to myself but it seriously keeps me up at night. Just recently I cut two long lasting friends out of my life, one was due to being mad that she accused me of something I didn't do despite my reputation as an impulsive liar (6 year friendship). I since then have gone back and forth between wanting her to be my friend again, absolutely hating her, and fearing that she has plans to turn my other friends against me. The other friendship (4 years) that I lost was due to me saying something I guess was offensive and I didn't realize, he then accused me of not being able to actually care about others, and other accusations. I also go between wanting him back as a friend, and despising him, I also fear they are both talking to others about me behind my back. If you can't tell I become obsessed with people needing to like me otherwise I get anxious (I also get really bad FOMO). These issues literally get into my dreams and cause me restless sleep. (I have had continuous nightmares since 6th grade).
***Trigger Warning I guess***
I have a history of minor self harm, always as a result of my anger. I feel that if I don't take out my anger physically on myself it will be taken out on my family or friends physically
***End of Warning***
I also become obsessed with who I am as a person, over the last three years I have switched between 7 religions, and in the past year 5 political ideologies. It's as though I can just adapt a way of thinking to belong, I have also recently decided on impulse to change my hairstyle and clothing style which I haven't done in forever. I tend to be a very impulsive person, as described by others.
Also even though I KNOW I have GAD and OCD (I've been clinically diagnosed with both) I will sometimes convince myself that I don't have them and that I made it all up because I can't stand the thought that I'm incapable of things. I further, have intense views on certain things that always shift. For instance I will go from loving therapists and psychiatrists because they do great things for society and then all of a sudden I will believe that they're F****** A**holes who only want to lock people away in mental institutes and I hate them. The other day, when thinking about English Class (Which I hate) I suddenly was like Omg I love English it's so fun, I should take more English classes they're great and the next day I woke up like ??????what?????. Also I'm confessing all of this now but I guarantee within the next little bit I will end up feeling guilty and then somehow convince myself that this isn't real or something. idk, anyway I really don't know the point in writing this