Thehopelessrunner - good choice on user name, then. A reminder of one thing you do well, and can enjoy! Drug and alcohol abuse are not uncommon for folks like us. I consider it self-medicating, for both my PTSD and BPD. I've also learned it's a really bad thing for myself, to do. Still, like you, it sometimes calls to me. However, my black outs terrify me - whether it's from drugs, booze, or rage. I'm so afraid of what I might do to innocent people, including (especially) those I love, that it helps keep me motivated to resist that call. I'm so sorry to hear you relapsed - that must be very hard on you, and scary for your wife! I'm glad you survived it,....and hope that you both will be able to mark it as an unfortunate occurrence that won't necessarily be repeated. You've climbed out of that pit before. It's a setback, but it's not the end.