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Iwillgetbetter16
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Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: France
Posts: 8
3 yr Member
Default Sep 29, 2019 at 04:12 PM
 
Hi! I'm new here.
I've been quite severely binge eating these past 2 months or so. Before that I suffered with some form of anorexia (never diagnosed, but I was going that path anyways). My brain was always foggy and you could see my ribs and other bones. The only thing that mattered was how skinny I was and see how little I could eat. I became quite good at restricting myself and that made me feel as if I was good enough. That's sad because I was mostly distant and in my own head. Ever since I started binge eating I've gained a bit of weight. Not a lot, but still enough for me to feel normal again and to never ever want to feel so light headed again (from the under eating). Although, I know that not eating enough calories was bad for me I still prefer the way I looked before. And that's an internal battle that I don't know how to cope with. I know that I'm not fat, but I'm not thin enough and with each binge I'm so scared of what I'll look like.
This year is my last year of high school. I believe the reason I binge eat is because of how stressed I am (because of school work, uni applications, bad self-esteem, anxiety...) I have so much to catch up in terms of work because last year I couldn't concentrate due to the under eating. I'm so angry at myself for letting this pointless goal affect my life so much.
I want to become a singer. It's been my dream my entire life. At the same time I want to achieve high marks so that I can get to a good uni, but I just do not feel capable of doing so. I have no motivation... I feel hopeless. I know this is really brief and no one can truly have the answer without knowing my entire story, but I feel like this is my last hope. I just feel so bad. I don't know why I put my body through this. Why I put my mind through this. I feel so guilty and shameful and exhausted afterwards... It just doesn't make any sense.
I don't know how to have a good relationship with food. Do I allow myself to eat processed food? Should I only eat 'healthy'? If any of you have overcome these kind of thoughts, this mental state, bad body image or eating disorder could you please share your experience? If you are going through anything then please share as well!
At least, I won't feel so alone
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