Yesterday I went for a swim, the first in months, and found out I really need to quit smoking. I was struggling to breath five minutes in. I could be a little unconditioned too. I took up smoking spontaneously about six months ago. It was a desperate way to try to cope with the PTSD. Still, the ocean was refreshing, and calming. Later I spent some quality time with my parents. I treasure these times more now I finally realise that they won't be around forever.
Today I saw my T then visited my partner. My T thinks I am improving which is encouraging. I haven't had a serious bipolar episode since February, but the PTSD has been bad. Right now I still feel shattered in pieces on the floor. A vulnerable place to be. When I meditate I become aware of a deep emotional pain that remains constant inside of me though I am unaware of it at most times. My T asked how long I thought it would take for me to feel strong enough to get a job. I don't know. Now is hiring time. I need a few more months. Should I force myself to work and risk making myself sick again? Money does help. All I know is I am not ready to decide on returning to work. I'm just not functioning on that level right now. But, dammit, I will get back to earning money soon.
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Bipolar 1 with psychotic features
PTSD
"Phew! For a minute there I lost myself."
'Karma Police' by Radiohead