@lizardlady

Oh, and I'm sorry you go through that, too. If there were a pill to make it all go away, I'd take it. I hope they find a cure or whatever the source is. I've heard it all, from something to do with some virus or another, to having a lack of blood or something, to it being psychosomatic, to it being a personality disorder, to it being from a form of herpes, to it being some effect from some kissing disease, and the list goes on.

I've tried the exercise thing with a personal trainer whom I paid lots of money. I got worse - I mean way worse after that. I should have never tried that exercise treatment. It was supposed to be twice a week, and I canceled the second day, sometimes an entire week, because I was ill the very next day after exercise. I tried so hard. And I used to be an exerciser. I don't understand.

I tried to see if it was my hormones, some strange form of depression without me actually feeling depressed - like a dissociative depression, or maybe I got bit by a tick since one of my classmates got Lyme disease after going out to the same campus-based fields that they hold events at every summer, and they warn us about ticks. But no detected Lyme disease, no depression (believe it or not), and no hormonal issues. Not even the nodule on my thyroid can explain this, the doctors said.

I'm not afraid of exercise, so it's not a phobia. I'm not clinically depressed, because I want to do things but just cannot. I am depressed about some issues in my life, but I'm not that depressed. I want to live, and this is not living to me, I told them.

I do have a vitamin D deficiency, so maybe that's part of the issue. I keep forgetting to take my vitamins. But, I moved out of the cold state where I was and into a sunnier state, which I hope will help me. I moved recently, so it will take a while for me build vitamin D again.

I feel like someone drugged me, which is a trigger. I am more jumpy than ever since my condition worsened, but I've always had some level of fatigue or post-exertion malaise since the military, so maybe it just took a toll as years passed by. Who knows.

I was once majorly depressed, but I've been relatively depression-free for the past 5 years. I only have the PTSD really bad these days, and the CFS. I am depressed, however, on the days that I cannot do anything. I'm not tired because I'm depressed, but I'm depressed because I'm tired. I'm not sleepy; it's as if my headaches coupled with my body feeling heavy coupled with my feeling really fatigued and weighed down are invisible ropes tying me down and making it impossible for me to break free. This is so triggering, but I work through it or try to shut it out with sleep or just darkness, because the lights on those days give me migraines at times. I'm sensitive to heat, cold, light, even though I still cannot sleep in the dark. So some dim light is always on.

I try to stay positive, but yes, I have the pity party - alone most times. I knew after a while that it subsides in a day or two - or four if I had a very exhausting week.

This progressively got worse, so it wasn't like a symptom out of the blue. I always thought that I was getting old or maybe that I was temporarily sick. It never went away.

I hope they do more research.

If this is all in my head, I'll do CBT again or anything. I'll think better or more clearly, or desensitize through fears - whatever it takes. I don't want to feel this fatigue, this trapped feeling that my body is holding me hostage.

And the triggers that my body is bringing up about the past abuses.

They think it is the PTSD that is causing my chronic fatigue syndrome. If that's true, then I want my PTSD to go away. I want all my hypervigilence and intrusive memories to go away. I want it all to go away. I'll take a pill, anything, to feel better again. I remember begging, pleading, and praying for someone to cure me. I don't want to die like this, and I don't want to get worse, and I don't want to keep going through this.

Then four years pass and I'm used to pacing and living this life while trying to do whatever to not cause this CFS to get worse. I don't know what to do, and neither do any of my doctors (yet). I have to see new doctors soon, so maybe they can help.