Well today has been troublesome.

I know the prednisone has been a factor in my not feeling “ all so solid “ but it’s not all.

Yes my husband and I had a great talk so a lot of weight has been lifted. This time of the year is always tricky Bipolar wise, 80% of my IP stays are in the Fall/winter.. I’m doing all the selfcare possible.

We have a court date next week ( my husband thought it was tomorrow, I’m glad I studied the summons more closely) anyway it’s about a hospital bill in a time when he had zero insurance or job. , Medicaid is not expanded in our state so no help anywhere. We were surviving off my SSDI.. The hospital would only break the bill down to 3 or 4 monthly payments. So almost 400.00 a month Payment ?? Totally impossible.

So my husband is furious ,frantic and ranting off and on since we got this 6-8 weeks ago.

There’s just no blood in the stone to find.

Saw my T today and I really needed it. I’m feeling disconnected to things a lot.. not disassociate, just some disconnect. We discussed possibilities , I know one struggle is that I’m always on high alert looking for any sign my husband could be getting sick, he admits he just hasn’t caught it early like I can.. so it does fall onto me to be hyper vigilant.

As I was trying to describe this disconnected feeling , Richard said he can understand that feel as he has noticed that “ feeling” occasionally in the last 6 months or so.

He’s 72 so he knows that things will change and he will need to decide when to make changes( meaning his stopping his life’s work he’s cut back to 3 days a week this past year) We have been together for 8 years so his age has always been apart of our relationship. So we kinda just sat with it for a while, both lost in thought.

I do know that when he does decide to stop working he will let me know right away so honestly we can both process that our work together is coming to an end. This could be in 5 months 8 months or a year. There’s no definite idea.

I do worry about my life after Richard... I truly will not see another T.. I’m not going to regurgitate my life to bring someone up to speed. I tried it and it caused more harm than good.

My husband is very worried about my not having Richard. I know initially he thought I was going to divorce him and run off with Richard and I was like hysterical with that thought and quickly was a Ewwwww are you freaking crazy??? He finally realized that Richard and I are just very close, close because of mutual respect, he has helped me wade through a childhood full of csa, multiple rapes and assaults , so heavy stuff. Things I never told another person. I’d never want to tell my husband about the many horrors, he would feel so much anger and no way to help me.

I guess I’m just trying to vaguely imagine how my life will change when that Wednesday @300pm safe place where I just can totally unload my head won’t be there. He’s always been there for me, I love his messy dusty office , it smells like a dusty ole bookstore it’s one of my favorite smells , dim lighting, him wearing goofy ties his grandkids give him. It’s going to be a huge loss, I have learned so much about myself and by continuing my life using skills I have learned from him will be the only fitting thing and how to honor him and cherish years together

So yeah I’m kinda stuck in my head

Anyway thanks for reading my ramble