Hello,

I have noticed that this section is pretty thin as far as posts go. But I know there are many of us out there so I figured I'd add something about where I am.

I am 34 and don't believe I've ever shaken the traumas from my childhood and adolescence. Most of that is my alcoholic father, to an extent, my mother as well who dealt with depression and codependence but I don't blame her.

It saddens me, but I believe I was close to pushing through this back when I was 12. I forced mom to take me to therapy but didn't know how to talk to the therapist. After two sessions I told him I was fine, just getting older. I was also close at 21. I was shown therapy again and couldn't take advantage. I thought it was just a recent breakup and I'd be ok.

I moved to change schools, and began drinking with my father in his bar fly lifestyle. It was a means of escape, but, some of it was, a can't beat 'em join 'em attitude. I used to wonder why my father could never stop. Then I began having my own struggles with it and could understand. In some ways, understanding addiction helped me understand my father. But what I found was just that he was an awful person below it too.

One of the things that jumps out for me is the constant tension I have in my life. No matter what is going on. There is this latent, seething, tension. I connect it back now to never knowing what was going to happen at home. I lived like this for years and years until I was removed from it. But then they got back together shortly after and it began again. Attached to this tension, is fear and then codependence for me. Also, and this has been the hardest to see within myself, is the detachment. I am detached even from myself at times and my feelings. I also have trouble identifying feelings I do feel that aren't anger and sadness.

Having put the drink down, and then choosing to do the work on myself, is already paying off but there is lots more to be done. I'm learning to discover peace and joy after 34 years of seeing others with it, but never getting it. I never got it.

I hope you all out there are having the best day that you can today.