this took so much for me to be here writing this, but I can feel myself slipping again and I don't want to ever go down the road I've experienced before, although I can already feel that I'm not okay right now. It's been over a year (may 24th, 2018) and I have still not even said out loud that I was r***d my junior year of high school. I was 16. I had never had sex before and I liked the guy. I was scared and I said no, but he pressured me until I was silent, I tried to leave but he said he liked me and he wanted me to stay. I asked my friend to come get me and she never did. He was on top of me and I couldn't move. I've never felt so much pain in my life and it was the most violent experience, I felt like it lasted hours and I was paralyzed, his parents were downstairs sleeping. Our friends were in the room next door. He wouldn't let me leave and he drove me home afterwards. I had to tell him "thank you" for the ride. I was so scared and I just wanted to run, but I was already going to be in trouble for coming home at 5 in the morning, and I couldn't run even if I wanted to. I never told my parents, I never coped with it. I pushed it down and then wondered why I was sad all the time. I hate myself so much for it. I hate that he took my virginity, I hate that I couldn't and didn't stop him, I hate that he held all the power and now even seeing him on my feed or the thought of him name makes me dizzy and I can't breathe. I hate that I'm scared. I always thought that if that ever happened to me that I would be a strong woman and fight back. But we were friends, and I told him no, and I couldn't push him off of me and the worst part was I didn't even realize what had happened to me because I didn't think that someone you liked so much could do that to you. I've never told anyone, and I haven't been with anyone since because every time I feel so suffocated and all I can see is him crushing me and I feel like I'm paralyzed and it feels like everything is happening all over again and it scares me so bad. but now I'm a freshman in college and the thought of being in a relationship or having anything like that terrifies me. I hate that all my friends can be free to do whatever they want but I'm stuck in this jail where I can't even get close with a guy without my head throbbing and my throat closing up, tears welling in my eyes and my whole body going rigid. I hate that he ruined me and I hate that I don't know how to get over this. I recently had an experience with my very good friend, he made a move on me and it felt so similar to when it happened that now I avoid him every where on campus, I burst into tears this morning because the thought of it made me nauseous. I don't know how to be normal anymore. I can feel myself slipping again back to the lowest place I've ever been and I don't know how to cope. I feel like I need to talk to someone or else it will keep screaming in my head and I wish I could tell my friends so they understood that when I say I'm not doing good that I'm not joking. That when I say I don't want to be left alone with any guy that I'm not being prude, I'm terrified. I wish I could tell my parents, but I haven't spoken to my mother in months and she is a recovering alcoholic, and I know that I can't bother her with something like this and still expect her to stay sober. My family will never know. but I know I'm drowning and it all feels like so much and I really don't know how much more of this I can take, I wish there was any help near me because I genuinely know I need to talk to someone but I could never afford therapy and I can't have my parents knowing that I need therapy, I've never been close with them and i need a way to get help on my own. I just want to be normal again. My innocence was ripped away from me by a boy who just thought it was funny to pin a girl down and r**pe her so violently that she couldn't walk, laid in bed for days crying, and then follow her around school for weeks after because I'm the ***** for ignoring him. I could write so much more of how im feeling and what the ugly voice in my head tells me every day about how weak I am and how I'm not ever going to be worth anyone's time but It's exhausting to live with it, much less describe it. I just know that I need help and I don't know what else to do but click on the first link that popped up and write to strangers on the internet about my deepest traumas that have never been uttered out loud before.