Quote:
Originally Posted by susannahsays
OP only ever hears the therapist saying these things when listening back to recordings and it's also always when OP has happened to look away from the therapist for a moment. OP has never heard the therapist say any of these things in person. I am not someone who thinks it is inconceivable for a therapist to say these things to a client. However, from the description, it is clear that OP is struggling with paranoia induced delusions. OP identified paranoia as an issue for them in the previous post discussing this; it is not just an idea with no basis that is being used to explain away the situation. This is not a matter of people gaslighting OP because they can't imagine a therapist being abusive.
I think it's really harmful to OP to ignore the context of their post and their specific circumstances in favor of advancing one's own agenda. It's like if someone with paranoid schizophrenia thinks they are being followed by government agents and somebody tells them that yes, the FBI or CIA might be out to get them. Sure, the FBI and CIA do follow people, but it is exponentially more likely that the schizophrenia is behind the person's beliefs, not reality. It's not helpful and can be extremely harmful to reinforce delusions.
OP was doing well when they did not record the sessions, and does not do so well when they record them.
I support the idea of having someone else listen to the recording. I do not, however, think this should be an ongoing arrangement. I don't think recording the therapist is helpful for OP due to the paranoia issue.
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I got tired of listening to the tape, so I deleted the file AND the app.
I have someone who could have heard it for me, but I thought that it was too much
I'll rely on my memory and my journal. More than paranoid delusions, I guess that I'm just looking for a reason to stop therapy altogether, and that makes me sensible to this sounds that seemed like harmful words to me.
Sometimes, I do think that she is gaslighting me. I told her that there are these occasions when I feel she is saying things with double meaning and hurting me. She said that wouldn't that to me, in my face, that wouldn't be ethical, and what she says it's a reflection of the stuff that I bring to therapy.
Last session, like some previous ones, I stated the fact that I've never been in a romantic relationship. Like other times, I heard her (or thought so) saying "...because you're not getting laid". I thought "I should just ask her what she said, get a clarification", but I've let it slide. This was "on site". I didn't make a recording.
There was another thing, and this was less ambiguous, I think. We were talking about external appearance. She said "I don't like my nose, it's awful". I glanced to her nose on purpose, so I could say to her "It looks normal to me (it does, a little)" and I said it to her. When I looked at her, she said "Hey, don't stare at it" with what seemed an honest smile. Inmediately after that, she blatantly stares at my chest. I have a bit of moobs and I took it as "Would you like that I look at you like this?" It's a physical aspect that I didn't mention but it troubles me a lot. I dunno...maybe I'm overthinking things too much??