Hi everyone. I’m 41 years old and I have 3 children. I was raised by an alcoholic father who was physically abusive to my mother and emotionally abusive to us both. I grew up in a very scary and violent home. My Mom was very disconnected, depressed and still has an eating disorder. I am the only child, so I was pretty much on my own.

Three years ago my mother finally left my father. He lives in New York State. I live in Virginia. My mom came here to live. She stayed with us, until about6 months ago.

My dad never calls me. He will occasionally send gifts for his grand kids. But he never calls. Even before my Mom left him. He won’t ever come visit. He’s never really acted like a dad to me. Even when I was a child. He never spent time with me, or showed any interest in my life. I keep it cordial, but I gave up trying a long time ago. We will occasionally text, but I usually initiate, unless he wants or needs something.

When my mom was still with him, I would go home to visit and bring my children. I would stay there, because it meant so much to my Mom. He quit drinking when I was in college, but he was and is still very mean and short tempered. I never felt comfortable staying there, but my mom would make me feel so guilty and cry. Then my Dad would get angry and yell at me over the phone, so I would stay there to keep the peace. I remember my youngest was a baby And woke up crying in the night. I was trying to sooth him and it woke my Dad up. I heard him screaming and cussing how it was ******** he was being woken up. It immediately sparked flash backs, fear and anxiety in me. When I was a child I had to be very careful to not make noise, cry or laugh too loud because he would become very angry.

So now that my mom has left, the only time he contacts me is when he can’t get ahold of her. He calls her more then he calls me. Honestly the only time he has called me is when he was angry about something. He doesn’t admit to any of the abuse during my childhood. My mom doesn’t admit remembering a lot of it either. Which leaves me feeling like I’m crazy.

So over Thanksgiving I want to bring the kids home to see my family. My Grandmother (his mother) and my aunts, uncles and friends. He’s guilting me because I want to get a hotel. He is having my Grandmother call me saying “Your Dad says he never hears from you, and it would be important to him for you to stay with him”. I feel like he would be miserable with 3 young and excited kids making noise. Plus his house is small and there isn’t a lot of room. I’m happy to visit, but I just don’t feel comfortable. I don’t think my Grandmother knows the extent of the abuse, or she chooses to discredit it. I don’t feel it’s important to tell her. I honestly think that she knows. Her and my Grandfather raised me more then my parents did, and I remember them asking me if things were ok at home. So I know that they knew. I’m very close to my Grandma, but I find myself avoiding her calls because I know he’s playing the victim and she’s falling for it. He’s using this to make me look like the bad daughter, who treats her father poorly. I work full time and have 3 kids and a hubby. He can easily pick up the phone and call.

The whole thing is so confusing. Even my mother’s behavior. If she gets mad at me she says she’s going back to her abusive husband because of me. It’s all so toxic and weird. I guess I just need confirmation that I’m not being rude. I still will visit and give him “supervised” time with his grandkids. But I want it to be neutral ground. And an easy out if things go south. Anyone else have a similar experience?

Thank you for reading!