I don't trust anyone despite how friendly they are. I've learned that appearances can be very deceiving.

I am STILL stuck in a pattern of shame and conformity of emotional deference with literally everyone I come into contact with. Thanks to my parents' codependency and passive-aggressive personalities.

I think that's what caused my sister and brother to become gaslighters as a defense mechanism. My defense mechanism is to shut down and defer to everyone else and obliterate myself so I won't get punished. A.k.a. "anxiety disorder."

I "defer" to everyone else so that I can "hide" my true feelings and beliefs, to protect myself. Not a functional way to live, is it? Nope. But, I'm nearly 50 and if I can't fix this way to relate to the world, I'll never experience new opportunities, new relationships, new experiences. I don't view it as a mental illness -- is anxiety a mental illness I don't know.