I'm from over in the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum, which I guess is how my considerable issues first began, but hardly where they end. I'm an eternally pessimistic, emotionally damaged mess who has trust issues, a bad temper, and can be genuinely terrified of opening up to new people. I lack motivation some days (especially in regards to trying to do something about my weight and terrible diet).

My father was an alcoholic, though never abusive and able to function at least part of the time. His repeated broken promises of kicking the habit did nothing for my trust issues and deep cynicism, if I had to guess. His drinking may be what led me to embrace video games as not just enjoyable, but an escape from reality that I still use to this day in my 30s. I have taken up drinking to a very mild degree. I think the deep fear of falling into substance abuse like most every man in my family history keeps me from embracing it too much. That and frankly I loathe the taste of most alcohol...

My mother died an agonizing death due to cancer less than a week after the 9/11 attacks. I stayed with Dad for a while, but eventually the drinking got to be too much and I left home. He died a few years ago, was ruled a heart attack but there are still questions surrounding his death I will never know the answer to. And to a degree i hold myself responsible, for leaving him for my own sake.

On top of that, my sibling's marriage ended in the ugliest way when their partner (who I loved like my own flesh and blood) cheated on them.

My work is in a stressful, fast paced field. I'm pretty good at it, honestly some days I feel like pretty hot stuff. But most others I feel overwhelmed by the workload and challenges facing us. I used to work for a big company, and they used to be a great employer. But now they (and all the other "big boys") are downright callous to the customers and inhumane to the employees. For a few years things turned around, I found a smaller firm to work for. The downside was a verbally abusive manager (not just to me but to pretty much everyone there. To save you a question, she's good friends with the owner). But lately the owner has made some questionable decisions, and I'm starting to fear for the stability of the place. I love what I do, and most of my coworkers, but between questionable management and an environment that gets more hostile to small firms every single day, I'm really afraid for my future there.

I do have emotional support in some of my family, at least. But I hate to burden them when they have their own problems. I know I should get help. But I'm not exactly wealthy and can find myself unemployed at any time. I'd worry less about the money if I KNEW something like therapy could help me. It's not like a broken bone where you know that, unless they're a quack, a doctor WILL fix it.

Anyway, just had to vent, thanks to anyone who listens.