Wow....I havent been on here and a while and came back to discuss this topic because that is me to a T and I am currently in the situation.
My BPD doesnt really affect me at all when I am not in a relationship with someone. I am the level headed guy who is typically a rational voice of reason for everyone else. I give the credit to DBT over a long period of time.
Now I am 2.5 months into a relationship with someone who we "both" have developed strong feelings for. I was actually the one that tried to keep the jets cool when she was moving quick.
We dont spend all of our time together and when we do its going having fun and traveling. We spent 5 days together just going through normal routine days recently and finally it seemed like the honeymoon phase wore off. This is when I begin to question things. Found out she did pull back out of fear and now I am all over the place mentally. This is where I can blow it up with wanting to talk, get validation, and become needy and finally push them away. The anxiety grows from there.
Right now my plan is try not to discuss whats on my mind "with her" but find another outlet to subside it and focus on just enjoying time with her even if its different and not having expectations and let the cards fall where they may.
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Originally Posted by psyche89007
I guess I consider myself a high-functioning Borderline. I do very well mostly when I'm on my own or just with friends and I'm getting much better at setting boundaries and communicating with friends. The healthy emotional distance required/expected right off the bat with friendship also makes that easier. I am better than before at resolving conflicts at work and coping with daily stressors.
But I feel like my 'crazy' comes out when I take a lover or date. I get involved emotionally WAY too fast and I have no idea how to draw boundaries. I hate that the intimacy I crave so intensely is also what destroys my sanity, consumes me, sometimes keeps me up at night wondering if I'm enough and if this relationship will drag me down to the depths of hell or 'reinvent' me into a better person which is also a crock of sh/t but god, that's what I want.
The issues go on and on: Trying think for the other person/play detective, expecting the worst, paranoia about their loyalty, et cetera. My behaviors make me feel guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed of myself. The fear of being vulnerable and sharing things about myself, or my body, and then being betrayed or ignored and so on makes me unhappy and always on edge.
And the terror of potential rejection or breaking up is always on the back of my mind ... the inability to see what's ahead, constantly trying to spot 'danger' or warning signs, just leads to more inner turmoil. It is SO exhausting. I wish I knew how to be NORMAL in a relationship!!!!
Anyone else relate?
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