Things are ok. I was panicked over the weekend about never moving up from my current ****** job. But I am training for a promotion already so I just need to not let the anxiety prevent me from committing 100% to training. I have trouble getting in to work early to train. To my detriment. I need to find a way to get out of bed. I have been having a lot of trouble in the new year. I don’t know why. I have been extremely down both weekends of the new year, which spills into the the weekdays too. The anxiety is probably also related to fear of success. I have low self esteem such that I can’t self start, I can’t hunt for opportunities the way I know I could.

Everything will be ok with time. I think I will keep progressing. I just need to get that promotion and then I think the way forward will be much clearer. I’ll have better leverage and be able to network better. I need to have faith! And keep smiling and doing good work.

Pole dancing classes start in February. I’m afraid of showing my scarred body. I want to cut but am afraid of having fresh cuts at class. I also signed up for a business class and a philosophy class through my community college. I feel like with training at work I need to get away from my field of work. Idk. I’ve never taken a business class. Also I feel like reading and writing essays for philosophy will be good for my brain.

A big part of it is that I can’t calm down to sleep until around 2:30 am. So it’s hard for me to wake up at a normal time. I also spend a great amount of time in my fantasy world. Not dealing with real life. Maybe it’s not a great way of coping. I think I need to change this. Take a deep breath.

I just feel like I’m not doing enough. Or maybe I’m working too hard and not smart enough. Idk. I feel hampered by low self esteem and feel like I’m limited by a lot of dumb stuff that happened in the past.