Society rates mothers as very high, almost 'god-like'. The word mother brings up connotations of someone who is protective, loving, nurturing, caring, a guide, etc. People I have met over the years give a positive view of their mothers who raised them up well. I find I'm constantly fighting against that ideal as none of the above attributes can describe my mother. Just because a woman has a child doesn't necessarily mean they become a saint or always act in an ethical way in regards to their child. Some mothers behave in the opposite way - abusive.

Most people in my community don't want to believe it or will dismiss the fact that my mother was abusive. It's taken almost 20 years to work out my mother due to the fact I was dealing with major depression followed by C-PTSD throughout my adulthood. But over time I have had many realisations which paint a picture of a mother who was extremely abusive to me in childhood. Some of her behaviour would be considered criminal if I was to go to the police. I won't go into detail here about the abuse. But her abuse has caused significant psychological injury to me. Many times I tried to reach her by having open and honest conversations, all to no avail. I have tried to speak to other family members about the real character of my mother but they become defensive and go into denial.

I find I'm left isolated and alone when I say to everybody 'the emperor is wearing no clothes'. I feel my family and others sees me as 'the problem'. I feel scapegoated but I have no way of proving this since nobody talks to me. My family is not interested in direct and honest communication. I had a great relationship with my nephews when they were growing up but as adults have never made contact with me. The family has no interest in psychology, feelings or personal development. My intuition tells me there is a smear campaign against me and this is reinforced by the fact that people who use to talk to me in the past no longer want to know me. I am never good enough and always feel everything is my fault. If you were scapegoated as a child there will be high probability that you will be scapegoated in adulthood.

I think one of the reasons people are afraid to confront or criticise my mother as they find her intimidating. She presents as self-righteous, God-fearing, religious and humble. But I see her as a covert narcissist. Although no formal psychological training I needed to work her out in my own mind to make sense of her personality and behaviour. It was like a 'light-bulb moment' when I finally realised she is a covert narcissist since I was able to then understand her behaviour and personality. I was able to connect the dots. Covert narcissists hide their meanness so only some people see their bad side and suffer as a result, these people are a wolf in sheep's clothing. And when I try to tell others about my mother's bad side, I'm ignored or met with aggression. After all society reveres mothers.

Anyway these are my thoughts, there is no solution to my situation, I just wanted to vent.

PH