Yeah, I've dealt with this for a long time -- and it's upsetting to me still that I have thoughts about it -- even though I'm in a relatively better place now.

I would encourage you to think of some coping skills, whether on your own, or with a therapist (if you see one), that you can use when you get those thoughts.

They're tough to deal with, but you can get through them! And, yeah, I think calling a crisis hotline is an excellent idea, too, when you have those thoughts.