Hey there. I'm new here. Well not so new. I made an account in 2015 and forgot my information so here I am. I'm a mother of 6. I just had twins about 8 months ago. My youngest before the twins is 6 and my oldest is 9. So I have a 9, 8, 7 & 6 year old and a set of twins! Safe to say I'm a busy camper. I joined again because I'm struggling to find myself. It could be post partum, but it could just be fear. I just left a 9 year relationship and it is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Also the BEST decision I could've ever made. That guy was horrible to me. I'm struggling to live life alone. I haven't left the house yet because we just purchased a house together, however, I will be gone before my daughter's 10th birthday in March. I just hate being around him. I hate the sight of him. His presence casts anger upon me and I'm not even a mad or evil person. He has just brought that out of me after so long.
I'm here because I really need some motivation. My friends have been encouraging me to leave for almost 4 years now. Yes, it's that bad. I had to leave when I was ready.
I know I'm not perfect but I was never a cheater nor have I ever resorted to violence. I just wanted things to work out, and in the process of giving my all, even when I had nothing to give, I lost Me. I'm just trying to find myself again. Figure out different ways to love myself. I used to write short stories and poetry but my train of thought can't process one subject without wandering off into something else. I'm pretty sure it's my heart and brain battling because, although I know I deserve better and I know for a fact I'm leaving, I still love this man who has treated me so wicked over the course of 9 years.
On a good note, I decided to start writing my truth out on here anonymously. I was so insecure because of things that he told me but I decided to shut down my Facebook page for a while so I don't see him or anything or anyone that reminds me of him. That's a big step for me. I'm training myself to not think about him or what he's doing but I don't want to spend this healing process pushing him out without pulling myself back in because by doing that I'm just creating a big space for loneliness. I want to be alone but not lonely, if that makes sense.
Anywho, I want to tell myself daily affirmations that'll help me make it through the day and remind me why I'm doing what I'm doing but it's hard when I can't get my mind right. Any help is appreciated and I would love to hear from you no matter what it is you have to say. I enjoy reading just as much as I do writing. I'll post again tomorrow. Hope this gave you just a little bit of insight into who I am. Call me anything except crazy!