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TheEmptyRoom · 09:17 PM

I am urging you to reach out for help. As a person who was a victim of long term sexual abuse as a child and raped as an adult, I can tell you what I have dealt with. Years of painful memories, struggling alone, depression, PTSD, nightmares, feeling like I deserved the crap life I was dealt.

Possible trigger:

Fighting years of suicidal ideation and self harm. Summer of 2018 I couldn't handle the living with the nightmares, the flash backs, the disappointment from my husband when I would jump at his touch because I was triggered. I gave up and I tried to kill myself. I now have a scar down my left arm that I have to see every day. I didn't reach out even then. I pretended that I was ok. And cried every night and died even more every day. I started having more flashbacks and nightmares that lead to me eventually avoiding sleep. Then came the hallucinations. I would see the man in my room watching me. I almost attacked my dog because I thought it was him. Then one night the sleep deprivation and hallucinations got so bad, I broke. I put a gun to my head in front of my husband and lost it. Thankfully he tackled me and got the gun.

Took everyone of them out of the house and to the sheriff's office and I went into a 2 month intensive outpatient treatment program. Where I learned that I did not have to suffer alone. They taught went over the neurobiology of the trauma and why I was having so much problems. I learned a lot about myself. A lot about why I feel what I feel. Knowing that helped more than you know. They discharged me to a trauma therapist. She is amazing. She has helped me so much. Last night I was triggered by someone talking about an apartment I was sexually abused in. I was there in that moment again. But it was different. Instead of living it out, it was like I was watching it. I was crying after. But the normal anxiety attack and depressive episode that would leave me numb on the couch for days did not happen..

Possible trigger:

and instead of reaching for a knife to feel pain and watch myself bleed,

I grabbed a ring that has my husband and my name on it. And found comfort in that. Now did my day suck, yes... but did I get up, get dressed, go to work, and come home without hurting myself, yes..

I am so sorry you had to go through that. My heart is aching for you and I wish I could take that awful thing away from you. I would give anything to do that. But, please reach out to someone for help. What happened to you was something beyond your control. You were the victim. But, now you are a survivor and you will continue to be. Just know that people care and are there to help you. It is easier to get through the hard times with help. You do not have to face it alone.