What profound and timely questions you pose. I am so grateful to you for your post., Have Hope.

I am not a very wise person, but I think it takes time and effort to get over trauma like narcissistic abuse. Time can sometimes, not always, produce a beneficial effect on a person.

Since getting stuck re-living trauma can spoil peace and joy of living in the present, I think it helps to try to get over it because otherwise, the poison of abuse in the past continues to poison the present.

Getting over anything isn't easy. Sometimes it a heroic to even make a little progress. Often it is heroic just to struggle against something that is making one feel bad. The struggle itself is a moral victory regardless of the outcome, I think.

A lot of destructive narcissists do not operate out of pure malice. Often they are influenced by powerful forces, such as mental illness. Mental illness can profoundly limit insight and the full exercise of freedom of will.

Internal suffering can cause people to lash out at others in hurtful ways. A rabid dog will bite the person who feeds it. In a way, it is not the dog who is biting, but the disease.

I grew up with a narcissistic parent. It took me a long time to see how much their illness caused their hurtful and harmful behavior. This person victimized me but as I got older I saw how they too were victims whose freewill was impeded and warped by illness.

These are just opinions. I am not very knowledgeable or wise and it is quite possible I am wrong about what I have written above. I hope you will get lots of responses to your post and that others here will have better and more helpful words than mine.

I am so, very, very sorry you are suffering!