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*Beth* · May 22, 2020 at 11:21 PM

Okay, had my first therapy appointment by video! It's not as bad as I had expected it to be. It's not as good as in-person, what can I say. But considering it was our 1st one things went smoothly as far as tech stuff.

The appointment was immensely helpful. I explained every single thought I had in my mind about everything from our last session. I told her about the demons. She reiterated that they are the result of trauma, and that mixed with BP it gets very challenging, very quickly. It happens when I feel abandoned and entirely alone.

Mostly, the demons are alongside my mom; like I've mentioned, she was quite mentally ill, married a man who was also severely mentally ill, and my dad was gone. There were big problems.

Possible trigger:

My step-father sexually and physically tormented me. He was very involved with child porn. My mom knew what he was doing to me, but she told me he loved me, that I just didn't understand. When she was having an episode she'd tell me not to sleep because she was going to kill me in my sleep. Stuff like that, and it went on for so many, many years. I'm embarrassed to go into it too much, don't want to freak anybody out, but that's kind of a general idea. I'm messed up from all of it.

Anyway, I'm feeling fairly calmer after the therapy session. I was going to do once per week because I feel ashamed to take up so much of my therapist's time, but she said not now...still 2 times/week.