I told my doctor that I bought Xanax online (Because I wanted to be in control of having my own benzos for derealized/depersonalized-dissociative panic attacks/psychedelic flashbacks from hallucinogen persisting perception disorder instead of the 20x Ativan that he sometimes prescribed me) and was taking 0.5mg some evenings to relax and then it became every evening for 2-3 months due to normal environmental stressors.

I tried cutting the 1mg Xanax blotter into quarters for 0.25mg for two evenings and then by the second night, I couldn't sleep - Even with the 7.5mg zopiclone that I take every night. I was tossing and turning from 12am (When I usually go to bed) to 6am so I took 1mg and fell asleep.

I told him about the Xanax and was honest about it. I asked him if he could prescribe 14x 10mg of Valium (For 2 weeks) and then 8mg for 2 weeks, then 6mg, 4mg, then 2mg - But he said that "10mg is too high" and he prescribed me 14x 5mg Valiums and said to "Take every night and see me again in 2 weeks".

The pharmacist said to take it for a few nights and then only take it if I either: 1., Have impending sense of doom or 2., Can't sleep. So I took the pharmacists advice.

I took 9x 5mg so far in 16 days. I haven't taken any Xanax since then. I took one 5mg in the past 7 days! (Because of Valiums long half life).

So basically I'm already off of the Xanax and Valium. People use the Aston Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Method where you take the equivalent dose of benzo (Klonopin, Xanax, Ativan, etc) converted to Valium (10mg Valium = 0.5mg Xanax, 0.5mg Klonopin, 1mg Ativan, etc) and decrease by 2mg of Valium every 2 weeks.

You can beat an eating disorder with the help of self awareness, distraction, self love, (Maybe psychedelics if you're into that - Maybe go to a concert, feel the music, be around good people, be ok with having a little more fat on you - No one's perfect - Ibogaine derivatives can help cure addiction - So can proper therapy - Find a therapist that likes hippie drugs and is aware of Portugal drug decriminalization and empathy for addicts etc, cut the alcohol, be yourself).

You're a wonderful person and don't deserve such pain and anxiety. You deserve to be happy, content and have a nice life. Pain is good if you recognize that it helps you grow and change - And to be ok with it - Cuz I've learned from ketamine that dissociating away from my depression isn't what I needed. I wanted to be present and BE my thoughts instead of LOOKING AT them. I want to experience the moment completely, authentically with love, integrity. I'm around supportive people - And benzos over time can make you not remember anything and lower IQ, cognition, etc.. So best thing is;

Decide when you've had enough of the benzos. When you're ready, make the decision before you decide, then decide. Nothing can stop an addict when they really want to quit: Why? Because they have the opposite strength just as much as what they run from: Pain. Don't want it anymore? Rock bottom! The good life and memories of happiness makes you aware: To see.

Find the right path. Life is life. Reality can be a mess but you can do anything you set your mind to, be less anxious: Meditate, be spiritual. Don't let anyone get you down. All the trauma you may have been through only makes you stronger. You have worth.