View Single Post
Xerox
Member
Xerox has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2020
Location: Chicago
Posts: 32
3 yr Member
Trig Jun 24, 2020 at 11:02 PM
 
I am gay 31 year old male.

At the beginning of the month, I had my very first sexual experience. It was with an older man I met online. I have never been in a relationship.

I had put up an ad on Craigslist. To my surprise, I got over 30 responses. I simply wrote that I was an inexperienced 31 year old male interested in older men, ages 40-60. I added that I look younger than I am, and am short and slightly built.

I eventually got together with a man in his mid 50s. It was a positive experience, except for one mistake that has come back to haunt me.

Anyway, there was another man who contacted me that I was a bit wary of. He described himself as bi-curious, and said that he recently lost his girlfriend, who he considered the love of his life. They were into swinging and threesomes, and things of that nature. He asked if I would be interested in going camping or traveling with him. This seemed odd. He also has a particular fetish I have no interest in. It’s nothing harmful or especially kinky, it’s just not my thing. From the way he described himself however, he sounded like my type. He also conveniently lives near me. He said he was interested in having a ‘long term sex buddy’. This was also of possible interest to me.

I kept talking to him, sending him pictures, sending him videos. He wrote me at least twice a day for four weeks. We kept up a pretty steady correspondence, but I honestly didn’t think I was ever going to meet him. I kept rambling to him out of depression and boredom. I admit I didn’t take his interest very seriously.

I said at one point that I wanted someone to 'take me away like Peter Pan in the story book'. He offers to take me to Alaska.

He kept pressing me to meet him. At one point, I told him I was into witchcraft (I am, a little bit), and that I wanted to incorporate it into our sexual activities. I thought it might scare him off. He was baffled, but it didn't deter him. He still wanted to meet me. I told him he had to watch the film Mulholland Drive first. For some reason, I thought this might also put him off. Maybe he would think I was pulling his chain, or was too much of a hassle. He watched it.

Two weeks ago, on an impulse I agreed to meet him at a public park.

I almost left twice before he showed up. I started to panic. I thought I was on the verge on making a big mistake. I was about to leave for a third time when he shows up. He knows I'm there because I told him what kind of car I drive. I feel trapped.

So, we head to some picnic tables to talk. He is a rather attractive man, but he is leering at me and smoking a vape in a way that makes me feel uneasy. We talk about the film, we talk a little about ourselves. For reasons I'm not sure of, I told him my former psychologist who I carry a torch for is my father. I tell him I work at an H&M (I don't). I tell him I live in a neighborhood I don’t live in. I think I was trying to throw him off in case he didn’t have the best intentions.

I let him think I would be his first, which I regret and have felt guilty about.

I eventually feel comfortable enough that I suggest we sit in his car. We sort of feel each other over our clothing, and talk about sex. I’m nervous, but I find him very attractive and sexy.

He e-mails me a half hour later. He tells me that I’m the first man or woman he has felt attracted to in ‘a long, long time’. That I’m ‘cute as heck and very hot’. I tell him I also find him very attractive, and am interested. He invites me to go boating with him and to lunch the next day. I decline. For someone who has never had a relationship, hasn’t even had anything close to a ‘friend’ in over 15 years, this is going too fast. He’s also adamant that I spend the night at his home sometime.

We meet again two days later at the same park. I get my first kiss. I believe he said something to the effect that he wanted me to be a sort of secret boyfriend. He wants to go traveling with me, and asks If I have a passport. I do, and tell him so. He says he wants to go somewhere where he can hold my hand in public without outing himself to anyone he knows. This would be the very first time he would be openly gay in any way. Then it gets weirder. He asks me if I would like to live in his home. He says I could tell my parents he is a landlord, and I am renting a room from him (I live with my parents). I don’t really know what to say.

I can’t fathom why this man who is nearly twice my age and who barely knows me wants to have a relationship with me, and even would invite me to live with him.

That night he begs me to come over to his house right away. He says he ‘wants me so much’. He says I can leave whenever I want. I ask him to please wait until daytime Monday.

He gets very upset. He writes me back that this is what always happens when he opens up and is too honest about his feelings. I explain to him that he hasn’t driven me off. I tell him I want him to be open about his feelings, and am only a little nervous because this is new to me. The next morning he e-mails me that he’s be driven into a depression because I didn’t come over the night before, that he is living like a hermit, and that he’s becoming ‘dangerously comfortable’ with that. I think this is the last I will ever hear from him.

That night, he e-mails a picture of himself with a beard. He knows I’m attracted to guys with beards. I tell him again I find him very attractive. I’m trying to mend things with him. It seems we’re on good terms again. I tell him I’m not in a place situationally or emotionally to be in a relationship, though. He says it’s too late, we’re already in a relationship.

We message each other steadily over the weekend. I admit that my former psychologist is not my father. He is puzzled, and little upset I would lie to him, but he forgives me. He insists I give him a scan of my drivers license to prove I’m of age. I do, with everything but my picture, year of birth and first name blacked out. I also give him my phone number. He is very anxious to get together at his home.

Sunday morning, he says he wants to visit me at work. I panic. I tell him that I would meet him ‘after work’ at his place, if that would work for him. Around 8:00 that night, I’m at his place.

I’m still trying to understand why I let this happen. I find this guy very attractive, I think he’s sexy, I’m interested in having sex with him, but I’m having major reservations about him. I feel I’m about to make a major mistake, but off I go to him. The entire time I’m driving there, I feel something I’m making a huge mistake.

He lives in a very isolated area in a big farmhouse with a huge barn with a huge American flag flying off an enormous pole. I jump out of the car, and the first thing he has me do is help him take it down (this was Flag Day, by the way).

He has stuff piled up everywhere on every surface of his house. He has a 20 year old sealed jar of Pokemon-branded jelly that I remember getting as a little kid. He gives me a tour, showing me the room that I would be living in if I moved in. We get to his bedroom. He needs to go the bathroom. He leaves the door open, talking to me while sitting on the toilet and loudly defecating.

I wrote to him before I left that I was only interested in kissing and cuddling and talking. He says this is fine. We get in bed. He asks what I want to talk about. I once again explain to him that I’m not ready for a relationship. I tell him I probably wouldn’t be able to see him more than a few times. I tell him I don’t want him to be ‘hurt’, which I immediately regret saying. It was a bit presumptuous. I say what I really mean is that I don’t want him to be ‘offended’, as if there’s much of a difference. He says he’s a big boy…he can take it. It’s a very uncomfortable moment.

So, we make out, we cuddle, and go a little farther than I told him I would, but I don’t take off my pants at all. There is very good reason for this.

I’m there a couple of hours, and then take my leave. I thank him, and we say goodbye. Driving out, I take a wrong turn. He can see me from his upstairs window, and texts me I’m going the wrong way. That is the last I hear from him.

I’m not at all familiar with the area he lives in, and can hardly see a thing. I feel like a complete idiot. I end up getting home close to 11:00 at night, an hour later than my parents were expecting. I can’t explain where I was. My father and I have an argument over something unrelated.

I delete all the porn on my computer and all the e-mails I got in response to my ad.
Possible trigger:
I eventually get myself together. I call my therapist and ask to see him as soon as possible. I talk to him the next morning.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve been endlessly trying to figure out what that guy wanted and why.

Part of me thinks he’s desperately lonely. I think he would have to be to think it would be at all realistic to have a relationship with me. I feel like I’m developmentally no more than 15 years old. I can’t make sense of it. I don’t have any experience with dating and relationships, so I can’t be sure of what is ’normal’ or not. Again, why would a guy who barely knows me want me to move into his home?

Why would I of all people be the first he would have a gay relationship with?

Part of me thinks he is a predator. That was my initial feeling when I first met him in person. If that were the case though, would he have stopped at getting as little as I had given him?

There’s another wrinkle to all of this. I have contracted a possible UTI, or something worse, from the first guy I had sex with. I’ve been experiencing burning urination for the past few weeks. I was tested on Friday, and put on an antibiotic. The initial results look good, but the urine sample has to be tested further to be sure if I’ve got an STI.

That is why I kept my pants on the entire time with this other man, but I feel guilty that I not only led him to believe he would be my first, but that I could have put him at possible risk.


I feel bad if he genuinely pinned any hopes on me.

I have more to say, but I'm not sure if it would make any sense.

Last edited by bluekoi; Jun 25, 2020 at 11:01 AM.. Reason: Add trigger icon. Apply trigger code. Remove method of SI and possible suicide attempt.
Xerox is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Skeezyks