I'm in a shame storm right now. I'm telling myself, that I can't change, and I"m a fence sitter. I got too close to acting on how miserable I was and almost meet someone in my own home. What was I thinking??? Now I'm saying I'm unlovable, that I should just get off the fence, make a choice to do something, rather than just sit there. I spent an hour on the couch sleeping to not deal with what is going on inside me. I want to avoid what makes me uncomfortable. But avoiding sometimes leads to worse actions/thoughts.

On Thursday, I had a session with my therapist and I expressed how I needed help for my addictive behaviors and working on change. He came up with seeing someone in the substance abuse part to treat my addictive behaviors. I know I need help, and I"m scared to make the changes, and I'm unhappy where I am, on the fence.

I feel split into two parts, and neither is winning. When I got up this morning, I thought I would have a good day. And here I am at 4:36 pm feeling like I'm worthless. I look at people who have beat their mental illness, and think "Can I be one of those? or am I stuck forever? What the heck do I want in life??" I spent time yesterday working on goal setting but nothing seemed quite right. I read a friend's blog and discovered how she changed her life. I know it's possible but am I worth it?

I feel like I have nothing to offer the world, that I'll be working for others for the rest of my life. That I'll be in treatment for depression, anxiety, the occasional psychosis, and addiction forever. And I think of how far I have come, and I feel like I want to give up on my dream of helping others and stay where I am. But the truth is I'm miserable and I want to be free of the pain of life.

I had a groundbreaking session on Thursday, and now I feel like it was for nothing. Because of the shame storm. I live in fear, and I don't want too anymore, but I don't see a way out. I'm scared to put myself out there to date, because every time I try, I"m reminded of my addiction. Then I get sucked into the storm again. Am I that messed up? Can I make daily effort to overcome my mental state? Can I let the past be in the past and forgive myself? Am I worth forgiving?