I am so sorry you are struggling, puzzer--

I used to teach a course on shame resilience. The book I used as the lesson plans basically is called I Thought It Was Me, But It Isn't, or words to that effect, by the University of Houston empathy researcher Brene Brown. I very strongly recommend you order that book tonight and begin to work through it. It is very simple, yet powerful. I am happy to assist in any way, should you ever think that useful potentially. It is an outstanding tome on shame, what it is, how it works, and how to move past it, most important of all.

Hugs!! You can get through this. But you will need to do a little work.