Really sorry you are struggling, hunter. It has been a tough couple of years for you guys. I hope it smoothens out now.

Given that you really get a lot out of talking wirh your pastor, I am surprised to hear you say therapy of some sort that you could actually pull off, given where you are located and stuff, is not going to do you any good. I actually disagree with that position, given what you have shared so far. Just my take. Might want to reexamine that one. You are benefiting from what is essentially talk therapy with that pastor.

What anitdepressants have you tried, for how long each? I doubt you have exhuasted the possibilities. I have been on many. Many. Only three have ever worked for me, so, it can take awhile to find the right one. All our brains are different. Some people do great on Zoloft, some think it's trash. Some folks need a totally different approach, like Cymbalta or Wellbutrin, say. Now, there is Ketamine, which works for many people who have been treatment-resistant. So, I would say you are likely throwing the towel in too soon, or so it sounds.

Sending you strength and support!!!!!! Hang in there. There is treatment for depression. You just need to find what works with your particular brain. Don't give up.