Hello
I think I have low self esteem or a possible mental health issue, I’m not really sure.

So I’m in my mid 30s and female. Throughout my time at school I was bullied by the boys for being ugly.

When I went abroad when I was 14 that changed because a man in his 20s wanted me to be in a sexual relationship with me. I refused to sleep with him and the following morning he got angry with me for saying no to him.

There is now this man at work who, I have been told by my coworkers, has been asking them to send him photos of me through Facebook, asking them for information on me and has been making dirty comments about me to them.

I’m not used to this sort of thing, at all. I don’t even fit his criteria for his ideal woman since he has a calendar of perfectly formed models on his wall at his place (I went to a group party there once)

For one thing, I’m short - 5’2” - with equally as short legs. To get round this I wear heels.

I am small chested - I use padded/push up bras

I have puffy and dark eyes and a blemished face - I use makeup for this.

I only really use those measures for my appearance if I know I’m going out somewhere others will see me but the fact is that I hate my appearance and see myself as ugly.

If someone finds me attractive....I don’t comprehend that, at all. I was told for 5 years of my life that I’m not.

I did a test for body dysmorphic disorder and I scored 41. A score over 40 I was told means I could very well have body dysmorphic disorder. I am to be starting counselling next week for anxiety caused by the lockdown and low self esteem but I just don’t know.

Mentally I don’t know how I am but my thoughts keep cycling in my head over what is going on because I can’t understand. And when I don’t understand something it can gradually wear me down and upset me.

Glad to be here at any rate and thank you for reading.